My Journal or Whatever

Another Entry

For a little while now I've just been feeling so lost. It's like I'm happy, but can't ever seem to be sad. And I honestly just want to be sad for a little while. To cry, because it's been so long since I did that.

I feel empty and alone, like something and someone is missing. Honestly I just want to scream and cry for a couple of hours. To shout what I'm feeling and try and find someone who understands because right now I feel so hopelessly alone.

And it really hurts.

But I don't tell anyone because I feel like I'd become a burden. And that they'd be confused because I'm always happy all the time. I never get mad at anyone for too long, nor do I hold grudges. People think of me as that peppy person who's always has a smile on their face.

And I am that person.

I am.

But I don't always like it. I want someone to tell me that I'm NOT alright and then give me a hug. Because I know I am not. Really, at this point my mind is divided.

One side telling me I'm fine. That this is just a phase that will pass as you grow. That you'd only bother everyone else by making a big deal out of something small.

But the other half is begging me to tell someone. To sob and not care who sees because it's something I desperately need to do. To release the emotions I've been holding in for what feels like forever.

And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm torn, lost, helpless. And I hate it. I hate not being in control of myself. My mind is one of the things I fear the most. Because it feels like it's going to turn on me at any moment and make me lose myself completely.

I know I need to tell someone. But at the same time I can't. The words won't come out. My mouth stays glued shut until I'm left alone again.

And then I'm all alone again.

Sincerely,
AJ🧡🖤💚