Losing Grip

Chapter 35➷ Did Someone Say Party?

I expected to feel awkward around Avan. So it didn't come as a surprise to me when I found myself hoping that he would not sit next to me when he entered the gym for the team's friendly scrimmage, the next Monday.

But, of course, I had no such luck.

He spotted me among the handful of people on the stadium seats and decided to join me. It was even more awkward since we were early, and none of our friends had arrived yet.

Maybe I should have listened to my instincts and skipped school today. But attending my classes was a must if I didn't want to fail this year.

Avan sat down next to me and glanced at me, a wary expression on his face.

"Hi," he said simply, and I knew he was struggling to figure out how to talk to me after the rollercoaster of a weekend that we had.

My mind wandered back to that night, and the frantic expression on Dad's face when I came home flashed back in my head. He had assumed that he would have found me home when he came back, but an empty house welcomed him.

"I know you were shocked," he had said, his voice finally calm again, "but taking off like that was irresponsible."

I nodded as I fell onto the couch. I wasn't sure I would be able to command my muscles to stand again.

"Why?" I had heard myself ask. "I would have been there to support her before her surgeries, during the treatments, whenever she was in pain. Why couldn't she just tell me? She told Avan."

Dad sat on the couch next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"She wanted to give him a choice. She wanted him to know everything about her before deciding to stay with her. She—"

Dad paused, and I wasn't sure I wanted him to go on. But as I waited for the end of his sentence, I was suddenly aware of the dryness of my throat. I was too afraid that clearing it would break him out of his thoughts.

"She thought it was only fair if he knew that it was unlikely that they would have a future together."

"She should have told me too."

"I didn't agree with her view, at first," he had said, "but you know Riley, she soon made me see things her way. Think about it. What do you remember about her? Her laughs, her quirks, her optimism, right? Well, that's exactly what she wanted you to remember. She thought your memories would get clouded with images of her groaning in pain, losing hope, getting discouraged. She didn't want you to feel sorry for her."

I couldn't even picture her discouraged. In my head, she was still that sun that never dimmed, and I couldn't imagine her any other way.

"But that was part of her too. I just wanted to know her." My voice was nothing but a whisper as tears streamed down my cheeks. "I didn't need her to be strong for me all the time. I would have liked to be there for her too."

"Are you okay?" Avan's gentle voice brought me out of my thoughts.

I realized that my eyes had been watering, and I rubbed them to wipe the tears away before they attracted attention.

Some part of me wanted to be mad at him and Dad for not telling me anything, but I directed all that restrained anger at Riley instead.

I wasn't okay. All morning, the lighthearted memories of Riley I usually summoned to keep me distracted were unreachable. I couldn't think about her without remembering that we hadn't been nearly as close as I thought.

"Yeah, I'm fine." Quick! Say something before he asks again. "Did your parents get here already?"

"They're staying until summer," he said, and hesitated before adding, "They've asked me to come with them during their next trip."