Away We Go

I Was Right Again

When I woke up, I realized I couldn't move my arms or legs. Not that it fell asleep, but it was strapped down to the wooden chair I sat on. The room around me was dark enough for my eyes to have a torturing time adjusting to it. I had no clue what was happening, but I tried calling out. My mouth was taped shut. I licked the sticky part of the tape until it stuck to my face no longer. After it lowered halfway, I began to call out.

"Hello!? Is anyone there!?"

Suddenly, a bright light shined in my face, causing me to turn away from the intensity of it's piercing shine. When I turned back, I saw Lawson who was also strapped down to a chair, tape over his face. Silhouetted by the light, two men stood in front of me. One was the hitchhiker, and the other was a huge, fierce-looking man covered in tattoos from head to toe. I looked at each of them, feeling weak.

"Who do you work for?" The hitchhiker asked, suddenly in an Italian accent.

"Where am I?" I ask.

"Answer the question!"

"I am self-employed."

The huge man suddenly slapped my face. It hurt, but not as much as I thought it would. It was like I was being slapped by a feminist middle schooler who got mad at me for assuming their gender.

"Wow," I told the guy. "You call that a slap? That was the worst feat of strength that has ever been executed."

He slapped me again.

"Yep, still nothing."

"It's not his day," The hitchhiker answered for the man. "And neither is it yours, little man. Now, tell me, who do you work for?"

"I am self-employed, and if he hits me again, And it doesn't hurt, I'm going to laugh."

Well... He hit me again and I fulfilled my promise.

"You can't break him," The hitchhiker said. "But this will." He turned around and walked toward a table sitting alone in the dark. The man looked at me and popped his neck.

"Is that supposed to scare me?" I asked him. "I almost died four times within the last four days, big guy."

The hitchhiker came back my way and held a pair of scissors. He snapped them twice while walking toward me. "According to your smelly friend trying to wake you up, I reckon your name is Howard? Well, by the time we are threw with you, your name will be Heather."

"What? What does that-- Oh, you guys are gross!"

"Cause, you'll scream like a girl, you idiot." The big guy said with a surprisingly high voice.

I laughed. "You even have the voice of a pipsqueak!" I laughed more until I noticed how close the pair of scissors we getting to my face. Then I screamed like a girl.

Just then, a bright light randomly appeared from the dark side of the room. A tall, skinny man began walking to where we were. From the light, it looked like he was wearing a nice, very expensive black suit with a red handkerchief in his pocket. His hair was slicked back and I could already smell the cigarette he was smoking. "What is going on here?" He asked.

His voice sounded familiar.

"Uh," The hitchhiker hid the scissors behind his back. "Nothing, sir."

"Doesn't sound like nothing if I could hear it from my office upstairs."

He finally walked to where I could see him. It was Mr. McGregor from the children's museum. (Read chapter 1 if you forgot)

He looked at me, eyes wide. "Howard?"

"Mr. McGregor?"

"What are you doing here?"

"I was just about to ask the same thing."

"Wait, Boss," The big guy asked. "You know him?"

"Yes, he's the fellow who found the missing bowl four days ago. Why is he bound up?"

"We found him snooping through the bud room back at the motel."

"I was honestly looking for a blanket or two. The room we rented had a broken heater."

He looked at the hitchhiker. "I thought I told you to fix that piece of junk."

"We're still waiting for the replacement to arrive, boss."

"Hold on, boss?" I asked.

"Yup. I took over the family business, although it's harder to own a children's museum and to run a mob, but you can get the hang of it real quick."

I nodded.

"Let him go." He told the hitchhiker.

"But, boss--"

"Now."

The hitchhiker took the scissors and cut the tap that held my arms and legs to the chair. I stood up and shook McGregor's hand.

"You made me an offer I couldn't refuse to find that bowl, and I never took the pleasure of repaying you, personally."

"I was just there to help, McGregor."

"Is there any way I could thank you?"

"Well, you could take me to Florida."

"I can't."

"Why not."

The following I heard in slow motion.

"Beeeeecccaaaaaauuuussseee yyyyyooooouuuu aaaaarrrrreeee aaaallllrrreeeaaddddyyyy hhheeerrreee."

I couldn't speak. I was so shocked after hearing that. I nearly jumped for joy and kissed McGregor in the cheek, but instead, I turned to Lawson and yelled. "DID YOU HEAR THAT!? WE MADE IT!"

He nodded, still tied up.

I looked at McGregor. "How about a couple of bus tickets for me and my friend, here?"

"Done." He smiled. "And by the way, My two best... Crew members, Miller and Omar, I'm aware you met them."

I nodded.

"They are around here. If you see them, would you tell them that It's a sunny day outside?"

"Uhh, sure?"

"Great. So long, Howard." He shook my hand. "I'll be seeing you around."

----

So that's it. That's the story.

I got home, I paid Lawson, I kissed my wife and I celebrated Christmas with the entire family, and now I get to celebrate it with you. You've been an enjoyable audience and I hope I have made your Christmas a bit better with my thrilling, yet embarrassing story of how I survived the most dangerous time of year.

And with that, I will end it.

This is Howard Waters, signing off.

----

That's what I would say if it were true, but it's not. From the moment Lawson and I left our location that I promised I wouldn't reveal, I had no idea of our final, and deadly battle with the universe was only an hour later...