When You Smile (Engineering Student #3)

Chapter Four

Chapter 4

After foundation week, days for us went back to normal. Paano ba ang normal sa college? Iyong balik aral ba? Iyong subsob na naman ba sa pag-aaral? – Well, yes.

I am tapping my ballpen on my forehead while looking at the sky. Nakatanaw ako mula rito sa bintana ng aking kuwarto habang iniisip kung paano sasagutan ang mga equation. Hindi ko alam kung ilang minuto na akong nakatulala at pinagmamasdan lang ang kalangitan.

My lips formed a smile when I saw how beautiful skies during night. Ngayon ko lang na-appreciate ang ganda niya... now I think I like it even more. I am busy looking at the stars when Mommy suddenly entered my room.

She looked at me curiously. I smiled to her and went back to my business once again—in studying.

"Pahinga ka na," aniya.

"Tapusin ko lang ito, ma."

"Anong oras na?"

I chuckled a bit then I looked at her.

"Ikaw, Ma, anong oras na bakit gising ka pa rin?" Sinundan ko siya ng tingin habang siya ay nagtutungo na sa cabinet ko.

"Alas kuwatro na kaya gising na ako," pagtatama niya. "Ikaw hindi ka pa natutulog."

Oh, I see. To hide my embarrassment, my eyes went back to the papers in my desk.

"Natulog kasi ako kaninang 11 at nagising ng 2 am kaya hindi na ako makatulog," pagsisinungaling ko. Narinig ko ang buntonghininga niya. Hindi siya naniniwala sa akin. Ugh.

"Alagaan mo naman ang sarili mo." I paused with what I am doing. My brows furrowed then I looked at her again.

"Inaalagaan naman po." she just then looked at me with concerned eyes.

"Loosen up," she said. Magsasalita pa sana ako pero inunahan niya ako. "Don't force things, Casper. Don't try too hard. Enjoy your life."

I bit my lower lip. Hindi kami madalas mag-away ni Mama. Hindi ko nga alam kung nag-away na ba kami o nagkatampuhan man lang. Napagsasabihan oo, madalas ito ang dahilan. Masyado akong seryoso sa pag-aaral, alam ko naman iyon. Takot kasi ako...

I have lots of fears in life so as much as possible I want to makes things perfect and I take things seriously. I am afraid of making mistakes. I am afraid of rejection. I am afraid of failures.

"You're still young, Casper. I just want you to enjoy your life and do things that will make you happy."

I don't know but I feel pain whenever we have this topic. It's like Mama is telling me that I am not happy. That I am not enjoying my life. Masaya naman ako ah?

"Studying makes me happy, Ma." I shrugged and quickly fix my things. Bukas ko na itutuloy 'to... uhhh umaga na pala so mamaya sa library ko na lang ito itutuloy.