Behind Those Steel Bars

11. I Wanna Know For Myself

A/N: Hey guys...so this is a chapter written by a fan. It was for the chapter contest, but I just loved it so much. We spoke about it for like a day and a half and she rewrote it to fit the last chapter...so basically her chapter fits in and is giving me ideas for the rest of this story.

Please comment Whatcha think, I love this chapter.

~Goats

XoXog

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BY: Therapybegins

How does one get over the death of a lover? Is the person a living corpse for a long time before being himself again? Or does he pretend nothing ever happened, like he never even knew the deceased at all? One thing I knew was that I didn't want to get over Gerard. He wasn't someone that could just be forgotten.

It has been two days since that guard brought me food and I haven't moved much passed picking up Gerard's drawing notebook. I wasn't able to open it yet. I wasn't sure if he even wanted me to look through it. He was always so secretive. I examined it for the billionth time, eying the smooth, faded leather and the coarse edges. I ran my bony fingers over the cover, reading his name over and over again. It was carved in with some sort of sharp object, most likely a knife but the way it was etched was very... Gerard-like. It looked rough and discarded at first glance, but when I looked closer, I could tell that each cut into the leather was done carefully and lovingly. The funny thing was: I had never seen him draw in it. He just carried it everywhere.

The stench of death and body odor clung to my clothes. I was still in the same clothes from the last time we ever slept together. I sat up from my cot slowly, looking around ou- my cell. I wiped away my tears and slipped the book into my pocket and made my way to the cafeteria since the guard hasn't come by. That didn't surprise as much as him bringing food to me did. Since he brought me the food, my stomach has been howling. If I didn't eat it, I would have been fine, but it was so tempting.

I made my way cautiously, looking around for Gabe. When I saw no sign of him I rushed to get some food, if it could even be called that.

At this point I didn't care what it was as long as it stopped the sharp pain in my belly. I ate the food quickly, trying my best to blend in. However, blending in is near impossible when one is sitting alone at a table. I was thankful that there was still no sign of Gabe. He made me nervous and it wasn't the good kind. I was terrified of him.

I picked up my now empty tray and carried it over to the rack when someone about six feet tall tapped on my shoulder. I turned around slowly and began to walk away. Oops. "Don't walk away from me, kid!" His voice was gruff and commanding, like he was used to getting what he wanted.

I stopped in my tracks and turned around. "What do you want?" I ground out, my jaw clenched. He smirked and I finally took in his appearance. He was well built, but not buff and he had a mean looking scar that ran across his cheek. His eyes were hard and jaw set and he looked like a bully overall.

We had just about everyone's attention in the room. He took a few steps towards me and was about three feet away before he spoke. "My friend told me you were pretty good. I wanna know for myself. Say we take this-" I didn't let him finish as my fist collided with his jaw. He flew backwards, his head making a loud snapping sound as hit the floor. He was out cold.

I stood up straight and looked around. A few of them nodded at me with respect while others just went back to what they were doing. I walked back to my cell quickly. I wasn't feeling well at all, but I was proud of myself for standing up against him but what I really wanted was for Gee to be here. He would have protected me against Gabe and whoever that man was. Gee would have. But he wasn't there when Gabe... got a hold of me.

I had to become strong, like how Gerard was when we first met. I had to put walls up mentally.

I didn't go back out for dinner.

It was around ten in the morning... I think. I didn't sleep all night again. I just laid on Gerard's cot, curled in a ball and staring off into space, thinking about all of the memories if Gerard. To not think of them was futile.

I slowly got up, sliding the book back into my pocket and headed to the cafeteria. My stomach was rumbling again. I looked around cautiously once more before I went into the hall.

The breakfast was unusually decent- scrambled eggs and soggy toast. I ate it quickly, not wanting anyone to try to steal it. Prison reminded me of wolves. If one didn't eat quickly, someone else was going to take it.

I finally decided i was ready to look inside the book. I took the it out of my pocket and opened it carefully to a random page. The person in front of me was beautiful. His eyes were clear, his hair black, and he was laughing at something. Everything about him was so positive and Gerard must have adored him. I looked to the bottom of the page and noticed Gerard's scratchy handwriting. Pansy. That was how he saw me? There was no way I looked like the man in the picture. I was a terrified boy who was way too skinny and hasn't thought of something happy in a long time. I almost forgot how to smile.

"Hey, Princess, come back for more? I heard you weren't very nice to Clide yesterday" Gabe's taunting voice emitted from behind. So that was the guy's name. Clide. It suited him. I ignored Gabe, shut the book and continued eating. The book was suddenly wrenched from my hands and Gabe was looking through it. "Pansy? Is that your name Princess?"

"Give it back," I growled, pronouncing each syllable clearly and threateningly. His eyes narrowed and he continued to look through.

"But I want this, Pansy."

"Don't call me Pansy!" I screeched, standing up and throwing a punch at him. I was Gerard's Pansy, no one else's. I was surprised to find that my fist connected with his face and I felt a sense of satisfaction, but that was soon lost. He threw his own punch at me and we began to grapple on the floor. It was, surprisingly, a close fight, but Gabe was winning slowly.

By the time guards managed to get us apart, my nose was oozing blood and my lip was busted. Gabe had a black eye that matched mine and his jaw was bruising. They dragged us off to different infirmary rooms and ordered me to wait.

Dr. Alphonse came in holding Gerard's notebook a few moments later. "I believe this is yours?" I nodded and he began to clean me up. "I'm sorry about Gerard."

I tear went down my face and it stung my cheek. "Yeah..." I mumbled, quickly wiping the tear away. I couldn't afford to cry here. It was dangerous to cry here. Besides, Gee hardly ever cried, let alone in a place like this.

"I'll be right back," he said, handing me an icepack and left. I got up and wandered over to the cabinets for patients. One of them had Gerard's name on it. I opened the door and looked In it. Inside was insulin. Most of the bottles were empty, and then I counted the number of days we were here. To my knowledge, Gerard didn't have diabetes and that much insulin would have killed him. And he's dead. What if- what if... "So, Frank-"

"What the hell is this?!" I yelled at him, holding the empty bottles in my hands. His eyes widened in a bit of panic and shock, but anger quickly settled.

"Frank, you're not to go through patients' cabinets!" he scolded, storming over to where I was and wrenching the containers out of my hands.

"Don't bullshit me!" I screamed, shoving him away. "Why is there empty insulin containers in his cabinet?!"

"Frank..."

~therapybegins