egodeath

14

3rd person
It was the end of the first week of having Zak home. He'd been taking his meds and eating well, going to all his IOP sessions, reluctantly, but going nonetheless. As much as he wanted to think that after his two week stay at the hospital, Zak would just be better, Darryl could tell it really was an uphill battle.

Zak was really just glad to not be alone. The week had be hard, but he couldn't imagine getting through it without his friend. As much as it annoyed him to feel like Darryl was kinda walking on eggshells around him, he appreciated him being there, it felt really nice not having to pretend to be 100%. Darryl just wanted him to be there, alive.

It had been a bit stressful though. Zak was used to keeping his struggles hidden. Being able to sulk as soon as he finished recording or stopped streaming. But now living with Darryl he had to sneak around. Because as much as Zak too wanted to pretend everything was better, he still honestly didn't feel like he was doing so great and while he tried to be as open as possible with Darryl, some thing he was too embarrassed and scared to share.

     He'd hurt himself a few more times, mainly out of impulse, and a few times after a meal he couldn't handle the anxiety building up and the loudness in his mind, he ended up excusing himself to the bathroom, turning on the AC, and making himself sick. He was used to controlling what he ate, generally choosing to skip a meal, and with that choice being taken away from him, this was the only thing he could turn to.

     Darryl had a scale tucked away in the bathroom, maybe a roommate left it or he simply forgot of it's existence. But something urged Zak to pull it out. He wasn't sure what came over him, but he felt angry that the hospital had, in his mind, fattened him up.

     Now he was laying in his bed at almost 3 am surrounded by darkness. He felt weak and helpless. Any ounce of choice and control he had over his life a month ago was now stripped from him. He wanted to get better, he knew that was the right thing to do, but some sick part of him disagreed. He was conflicted. And now all these thoughts were running through his head.

     As an attempt to stop his mind from yelling at him, he tried focusing on his heartbeat. Realizing that it was speeding up and he could practically hear it and feel it in the ears and stomach. It was unnerving. Part of him realized he was having a panic attack, but at the same time, he was wondering if he was dying. Maybe this is what a heart attack felt like.

     He kicked the covers off himself and tiptoed to the bathroom quietly closing the door and turning on the lights. Zak looked into his eyes in the mirror, not really sure why. Kind of trying to shake whatever feeling this was away. He tried taking a couple deep breaths, still looking in the mirror, telling himself to just calm the fuck down.

     It didn't really do much. So he went back to his bed hoping he could sleep it away. Zak made himself as small as physically possible and pressed his face into the pillow squeezing his eyes shut wanting to push everything away. A few tears dropped out of desperation of wanting to just feel normal right now. His breathing started to pick up too. Darryl had told him to come to him for anything but was afraid of waking him up because he was too fucked up to even go to bed without panicking.

     Fuck it. He threw the covers off once more. Wiping his eyes and pulling the hood on his head, tightening the drawstrings, he sucked a deep breath in and made his way to Darryl's room. He quietly walked in, and was a bit surprised to see it was exactly like in the streams. he saw the green wall, a messy bed and a neat desk setup with his pc.

     At any other time, he would've laughed, having known Darryl for so long, this was the only room he knew of until now. It was crazy being here. The sudden distraction of awe wasn't enough to shush his mind, and he didn't want the other to wake up to him just standing there so he awkwardly made his over and sat down on the bed. He tapped Darryl a few times trying to be as gentle as possible, feeling bad for waking him up.

     "Hey skep," Darryl kind of opened his eyes trying to focus on his friend in the dark, "what's up? What time is it?"

     "Sorry I tried not to bother you but I just can't." Zak said unable to finish as he tried to get some oxygen in, genuinely feeling like he was dying.

Darryl sat himself up to be at eye level with Zak. Now fully awake he could see how shaken up Zak was. His eyebrows were furrowed, lower lip shaking a bit and his eyes were huge and darting around the room.

     "Zak?" Darryl asked, putting his hands on his shoulders to try to bring him back. They made eye contact for a moment. Darryl's green eyes with Zak's glossy brown ones. Zak broke eye contact and looked down at his hands, feeling too ashamed for having to come crawling to his friends room for help. "Stay here i'll be right back."

     He rushed into the kitchen to get some cold water for his friend. Zak just sat there, still feeling awful, picking at one of the healing wounds on his wrist for any feeling to distract himself from this. As the other came back he quickly pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands.

     "Here drink some water." Darryl offered him the glass before going back to his spot on the bed. When the water was gone he asked if Zak was feeling any better, to which he just shrugged. Darryl took one of Zak's hands in his and flipped it so his palm was facing up.

"I'm gonna trace a square on your palm okay? Breath in on the horizontal lines and out on the vertical ones okay?" Darryl started drawing the square in his palm and listened for his friends breathing. Eventually Zak's breaths evened out a bit, and he seemed more relaxed.

Darryl brought his friend into a hug and gently pulled him down onto the bed with him. He pulled the cozy blanket over both of them and looked into Zak's tired eyes. They both smiled somewhat flustered at the closeness but letting themselves relax into the comfort of each other's presence.

"If you feel better staying the night here go for it." Darryl offered.

"No homo though?" Zak retorted jokingly.

"Hey if you rather spend the night alone, that's fine-"

"No! No. It's fine i'll stay." Zak interrupted.

Darryl just laughed at the others silliness and turned the lights off. He brushed away the stray pieces of hair that had fallen on Zak's face and reached to give him a quick kiss on the forehead. He saw the hint of a smile dancing on the others lips as they both finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep.