Lost

Chapter 34

10 minutes go by. Then an hour. My brain is still in shock and I've been stuck in my thoughts the entire flight. Now two hours have passed and we are half way to Berk. Toothless has been taking it easy but I can tell he has gotten a little drowsy. The flight has been completely silent so far and hints of dawn are showing on the horizon. Mentally I'm not prepared for Berk and the mob of Vikings that'll surround me and throw questions at my face. 'What happened? Where'd you go? Are you hurt? What happened to Toothless's wing?' I mentally sigh. I'm definitely not ready to share the story of what happened. I'll probably need a few days, maybe a week just to recollect my senses.
Patch .
His name is repeated over and over in my head. The guilt and déjà vu run through my body. Memories of my dad's death pop in my head. Why is it that everyone seems to get hurt or die around me?! Astrid got hurt looking for me because I was too careless. Patch died because I froze!
And I hate myself for that! I hate myself so much for causing the people I love pain. Yet here I am still breathing, while those I've lost probably deserved to live more that me!
I could just jump right now and welcome the cold dark death beneath me so I don't cause anyone else anymore pain.
Wait, what?
No. How could I think like that! No I have a village to lead, people that count on me. I have a beautiful girlfriend that I'd do anything for! But still...
"Uuuggghhhhhh!" I unknowingly grunt out loud and I drop my head into my hands.
Then I feel an extra weight drop down onto Toothless behind me and arms are slowly wrapped around my waist. Astrid.
I feel her kiss my shoulder and then lean her head down on it. My body slightly relaxes, welcoming the warmth that spreads through me from her embrace.
"It's my fault," I say quietly, finally breaking the silence.
"I- I could have moved. I could have prevented it from happening. I- I could have saved him. He should still be alive," I ramble on in a hushed tone, sharing most of my thoughts out loud almost forgetting Astrid was right behind me listening. Almost. But I manage to keep the stupid thoughts of dying to myself.
"He was so positive and he wasn't afraid of anything. He even managed to joke when-" my voice cracks and I look out across the clouds tinted with dawn, chocking down a sob.
'When he died in my arms because of me' I think to myself.
"Why does this always happen to me. I lose everyone around me. I don't know-" I stop knowing that if I go on I'll start sobbing. I feel a tear slide down my cheek but I don't bother wiping it away for my arms feel numb.
"You didn't lose Toothless. You didn't lose your mother. You didn't lose your people. You didn't lose me. And you'll never lose me because I will always be right beside you no matter what happens," Astrid says confidently to the side of my face.
"But that's just it Astrid! Everyone that has stayed by my side has gotten hurt or died! And I don't want to lose you too Astrid! I don't know what I'd do to myself if I lost you too. I can't-," Then I finally break down. Tears stream down my face and my body shakes. The pain from my father's death and now Patch's death come pouring out. The stress of becoming chief and protecting everyone is added into my sobs. The sound of my cries break the calm of the morning sky. Astrid knows that I need to get this out of my system. She tries to comfort me by rubbing my back and my arms, hugging me tightly.
I don't know how long I've been crying. Probably twenty minutes, maybe more. But I finally manage to control my emotions and run out of tears. We sit there on Toothless in silence once again.
After a few minutes Astrid inhales slowly.
"I love you Hiccup, with all my heart," she gently says.
I close my eyes and breathe slowly, taking in her words. She has told me that she loves me many times but it feels different this time, with more meaning and depth.
"I love you Astrid, with my entire soul."