Sierra Lancaster has had an agonizingly mediocre life. She grew up in a happy home, made loyal friends, graduated college, and is now pursuing her dream of running her own bakery. Boring, right? A story like this wouldn't be one for the books. At le...
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I thought I knew what heartbreak was.
I thought it was the first time I noticed some girl from school mocking me, blowing up her face and waddling with her arms out to imitate my weight. I'd ran to the bathroom and locked myself in there for the rest of the day.
I thought it was the day I stepped on a weight scale when I decided to lose my weight and saw the number one-hundred and ninety-three staring back at me. I starved myself for three days.
I thought it was walking across the stage at my high school graduation and having no one except my parents cheer for me because I'd lost all my friends by that time. I deleted all my social media accounts that very night after seeing posts about parties and trips I wasn't invited to.
Those hurt a lot—don't get me wrong. It's why I remember those moments so vividly and resist the urge to throw up at the very reminder of them.
But nothing has ever hurt like this.
The loss I feel is so staggeringly real. Like a chunk from my insides was ripped away and now there's this gigantic hole that aches every time I take a breath. I'm doing everything I can to keep my mind off it but I can't ignore the emptiness I feel inside of me. I feel incomplete. Destroyed. I feel like I'm mourning.
I bury my face into my pillow, sobs wracking through my body. It hurts everywhere. Not just in my chest, that's numb and void to begin with. This heartbreak hurts every cell in my body to the point of no function. I can't eat or sleep or think. I just ache.
I miss Holden. So much.
And the knowledge that he's just a couple of steps across the hall is something that's just short of killing me. Although I'm pretty sure he's not home these days. I'm pathetic enough that I wait by the door every night and listen for him to come home around his usual time. I heard him the first couple days but not after that. I'd bet good money that he's sleeping at the office and it makes me wonder if it's because he can't stand to be here. He probably hates me and I don't blame him. I promised him I wouldn't run but I never promised I wouldn't let him run ahead of me. The betrayal in his eyes when I broke things off a week ago is something that still haunts me.
It hurts but I don't regret it. I can't keep doing this. I can't let other people fight my battles for me. It's why everyone thinks it's easy to start a fight with me in the first place. I've never stood up for myself before or picked myself off the ground. I need to learn how to do it myself and I can't do that if Holden comes in with his influential name and all his money and basically fixing everything for me. I have to want to stand up for myself. I have to pick myself before I pick him.
I'm doing the best I can. I contacted almost every magazine or tabloid that wrote about me and asked if they would take my pictures down because I didn't consent to it. I threatened to bring in my lawyer (that I don't have but they don't need to know that) and it seemed to do the trick. I'm not a public figure so they can't just use my pictures like they could with celebrities or other impressionable people. Some of them were nice enough to take their articles down. Others shunned me out and said it was business before hanging up on me. One of them released another article yesterday about "Holden Rey's girlfriend has an emotional breakdown following her hour of fame."
