Fate Fell Short

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Eighteen

                             

           "It was a really long time ago" I paused and took a deep breath, there were a million ways this could go wrong, "his name was Lewis er he was my boyfriend at the time," I stuttered on the word boyfriend. I looked away; this conversation was easier in my head than out loud. Jayden didn't push; he waited silently, his warm eyes telling me it was okay. I felt tears prick at my eyes again but I held them back. “He was older than I was, he kept coming onto me, like he wanted more than I could give, you know more than just er making out and stuff, I wasn’t ready for that, I loved him but he also scared me sometimes,” I paused and looked up at the ceiling, taking comfort in the sound of the rain,

“He went too far one day and I – I got scared, I told him I wanted to e-end it and he said he wouldn’t do it again so I let it slide but then sometime after that he did it again and forced me to-” I glanced at Jayden and his eyes were hard making me lose my nerve, “I tried to leave again but then I don’t know, it just happened so fast, one minute we were shouting at each other and the next he was holding a g-gun to his head” I broke off, my heart erratic against my chest and I felt guilt wash over me as I gave in to tears, Jayden’s face paled and I looked away bringing my sleeve up to my face, wiping away at the escaped tears,

“I still remember his words, he said that if-if I walked out the door, he’d do it- he’d pull the trigger but I walked out and-” I sobbed and Jayden scooted over to me, putting his arms around me. “I didn’t think he’d do it, how could I have just left him like that? I should’ve stayed and – and -” I broke off and turned away from him as he tried to comfort me. He dropped his hands and watched me as I dried my tears with my sleeve.

“Him killing himself isn’t your fault, Alex and it’s stupid to think that it is, even if you think that it wouldn’t have happened if you stayed, what’s done is done, there’s nothing more to it.” Jayden murmured, his dark eyes staring holes at me.

I didn’t say anything, hearing those words didn’t change a thing; I’ve heard them before, from Chase. I glanced back at Jayden and he was still watching me, “He had a gun. I should’ve calmed him down…” I trailed off,  “but you know what I said instead?” I choked back a sob, a new stream of tears escaping, “I said, ‘Go ahead’ How could have said that?” I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt him hold me again. He didn’t say anything; just held me until my tears dried and I couldn’t cry anymore. My heart was beating fast when I looked up at him, this is the part where he calls me a murderer, calls me heartless. This is the bit of information that destroyed mine and Chases’ relationship, even though he helped me stitch it up he began to change in a way that hurt us both. And eventually he used it against me.

And now here I was, telling the one person who managed to pull me out of my personal hell only to find out I was much more messed up in the head than he thought. Staring into his warm eyes and begging him to save me knowing full well that every hero has a limit to the amount of bullshit they can take.

“Was it Chase who brought it up?” Jayden asked his expression hard. The question took me by surprise and he caught me off guard.

“Yes.” I murmured, “He never did before” I added quickly suddenly feeling like Jayden would do something stupid. He only nodded, his expression softening slightly, “I’m sorry Alex” an expression I could only describe as remorse washed over his features and I felt my heart throb painfully.

“Now do you see why I don’t deserve you” I whispered dropping my gaze. His jaw tightened, his eyes flashing dangerously and before I could react he pinned me to the ground, a strike of lightening lit up the barn, shadows danced across his face as a look of heavy guilt took over his features, he traced a finger across my jaw making my breath hitch, “I’m the one undeserving of you.”