Under the Sky of Diamonds | ✔︎

FOURTY-TWO

"HELLO ma'am, how can I help you?" magalang na tanong noong sales lady.

Nakangiwi ko siyang tinignan. "Ahm, no need. Nag-iikot lang ako. Thank you."

Ngumiti naman siya sa 'kin bago umalis. I sighed before looking around the baby store again. Limang araw na akong nagmamanman dito at nagbabakasakaling baka makita ko ulit siya pero wala.

My heart was hoping that it was really him.

Am I just hallucinating? Do I miss him so much making me see things that don't exist?

But I saw him with my own two eyes.

His pitch-black hair turned to light brown but the rest, it's the same. His raging eyebrows, that sharp pointed nose and his crimson lips. Especially that tattoo. It was him.

I wander around the store again in hope that I can have a glimpse of him, but lucky isn't my word for today. I've been staying at the baby's store for almost three hours and the sales lady is already looking at me awkwardly.

Namasa ang mga mata ko. I brushed my hair using my fingers before breathing deeply. I can't cry here. Not here.

I collected myself before picking some random things and going to the counter to pay for them. Umalis na rin ako pagkatapos kong bayaran lahat ng pinamili ko.

Tulala akong naglakad paalis. My heart is very heavy. Bakit ba ako umaasa? What if it was just my imagination? Paano kung guni-guni ko lang siya dahil sa sobra kong pagkamiss sa kaniya? Will I still hope?

I saw the corpse. I also saw it with my two eyes.

I walked aimlessly and later I found myself walking at Burnham Park. I smiled bitterly while looking at the lake. Naaalala ko na naman siya.

I can't take this anymore.

Agad akong naghanap ng tagong lugar at doon ako umupo bago ko nilabas lahat ng nararamdaman ko.

I can't accept everything. I can't accept the fact that I lost him. I can't accept that he is already gone. Kahit ilang araw, buwan o taon man ang lumipas, masakit pa rin. Hindi ko pa rin matanggap. Para akong pinapatay araw-araw. If it wasn't for our baby, I might already join him on the other side.

Sinisigaw ng puso ko, buhay pa siya. Pero 'yong utak ko hindi sumasang-ayon. Nakita ko 'yong bangkay. Nakita naming lahat. Patay na siya.

But who was that guy? I can't be mistaken. That is my husband. But what if I was just hallucinating? My mind was creating pictures of him because I missed him so much. I am longing for him.

And thinking about it, if he's still alive right now, how did that happen?

Malakas akong napahagulgol.

Why is this so hard? Why? I just want to have a whole family. A loving husband and a lot of kids that will represent our love. Why does it need to be this way?

Lord, give me a sign. Give me a single sign. Please guide me. Please help me. Guide me if I should still look at him or I should accept the fact that he's already gone. Please. Help me because I can't bear the pain anymore.

Any sign. That will do. Anything. Just one sign.

I waited for seconds until it turn to minutes until it turned to hour. Nothing happened. Namanhid na ang puwetan ko at hindi pa rin ako natitigil sa pag-iyak. Wala pa ring nangyari.

I laughed at myself. Why am I even doing this? Why am I being pathetic?

I just missed him. I just want him back.

Just another second or minute. I'll accept anything. Kung wala pang mangyayari ititigil ko na 'to. Hindi ko na pahihirapan ang—

"Miss, are you alright?" tanong ng isang mababang boses.