star ▪︎ poe dameron

twenty-seven

My whole body felt numb as Poe and Ayla hugged me and celebrated our victory. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed somebody being carried away on a stretcher, a girl dressed in beige watching sadly. I slipped away from the ever-growing group of pilots and jogged over.

"Finn!" I yelled as the knot in my stomach pulled tighter, but the medics had taken him away before I could see how bad he was hurt.

The curious girl walked over, the same sorrowful expression worn on her face. Chewie growled, following Finn as I made my way over.

"I'm y/n."

"Rey." Her face was sweaty and grimy and she looked as if she hadn't had a shower in weeks, but still, she forced a weak smile as she introduced herself before looking over my shoulder. Following her gaze, I saw my mom approach us.

She looked almost... defeated. A look I'd never seen her wear before.

Whilst the entire base cheered and laughed, the three of us embraced as we began to truly feel our hearts shatter.

"I-is he?" I couldn't even bring myself to say the words. Neither could Rey as she simply nodded her head slowly.

Tears began to stream down my face. My family had almost been saved and back together, and just as quickly as it happened everything was taken from me once again. I excused myself and fled to my room, slamming the door on my way in.

I collapsed to the ground and screamed, yelled, sobbed and cried in pain until my face was red and sticky with salty tears.

A soft knock on the door and I sat up straight. Not even making an attempt to look presentable I opened it to see Poe standing there.

"You ok? Sorry, that's a stupid question to ask. How are you feeling?"

"Brilliant." I replied bluntly and a little too harshly. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

I moved to sit cross-legged on my bed, Poe followed suit, sitting opposite me.

"I know this won't make you feel any better but we have some good news."

"We do?"

"We know where Luke Skywalker is."

"H-how?"

"R2-D2. He woke up and had the missing piece."

A small smile tried to break through the frown etched on my face but it only made my grief worsen. I sighed in defeat as the familiar sting of fresh tears threatened to stream down my face.

"Come here." Poe pulled me into an embrace. His familiar scent, though comforting, also made my heart ache that bit more knowing I would never experience the same with my father again.

I couldn't hold it in any longer. I wept the kind of ugly tears when you can't control them. Stroking my head, Poe whispered that it would all be ok, but would it?

Sometime later we must've fallen asleep in each other's arms as we both woke up startled to the sound of BB-8 bursting through the door.

"Ugh, what time is it?"

Poe reached over to see the small alarm clock on my table. "6:30 in the morning."

"Seriously buddy? I was sleeping!" I was more than a little annoyed at the orange droid.

That night I had dreamt of flying in The Falcon with dad, mom and Ben. We were so happy, as if nothing had ever happened.

"C'mon," Poe gently pulled me up and out of bed. "let's go for a walk. Fresh air could do you some good."

I sighed and took his hand, letting him lead through the shadowy corridors and out into the open.

The usually bustling base was silent and eerie. Nobody was walking by on their way to start their morning work, there were no droids whirring around. The only normal thing was the scent of bland food being cooked at the cafeteria.

"Do you want to get something to eat?"

"I'm not hungry." I mumbled.

We walked in silence, watching the sunrise through the trees with no clear destination or place to go. The morning air made my nose and cheeks flush a pale red and my fingertips stung where they weren't intertwined with Poe's.

Usually, when we didn't talk it was peaceful and calm. Now, however, things seemed on edge and awkward. We had no idea what to say to each other and the quiet suffocated us. My chest felt tight and my body yearned to sob - to let out all the pain - but my tears had run out and there was nothing I could do.

My hair hung limply around my face, greasy and grimy from the battle.

"I think I'm gonna have a shower." I mumbled.

"Yeah, ok. Do you need anything?" Poe's eyes were full of concern.

"No, it's fine. Thanks." The last word came out as a whisper before I turned and retraced our steps back towards my room.

---

Cool water cascaded down my face and remnants of soap bubbles stung my eyes. Shivers ran down my spine and my whole body felt numb.

I reached for my towel and stepped out of the shower, quickly drying myself off before pulling on the first tracksuit I could find thrown on the floor. I let my soggy hair hang loose before crawling back into bed.

There I lay almost the whole day, occasionally falling into a light sleep before being awoken by nightmares of the day before. Poe came in every few hours to make sure I was ok and brought me food and water which I left untouched.

It wasn't until BB-8 came that evening that I got up. The little droid had offered to keep me company and I decided to leave the small room, but this time not for a tense and agitated walk.

Together we went to The Falcon that had sat there since it's last excursion, the final one with the owner of the ship. Around us, people stopped their chatter to watch as I stepped inside with BB-8 following, and then whisper sympathetically, presumably about me and dad.

I sat down in my father's chair in the cockpit and closed my eyes, imagining life before all the grief and pain.

The orange droid gently rolled into my leg to get my attention before gesturing to a small, golden pair of dice on a chain that hung from the ceiling of the ship.

I let out a small chuckle and smiled, my eyes welling up with even more tears. I reached up and grabbed them before carefully inspecting them. Dad couldn't live without them.

"These," I explained to the curious BB-8, "were my father's good luck charm. He didn't go anywhere without them."

"And I'm sure he'd want you to have them."

I jumped and swung my head around to see mom behind me.

"Really?" I asked, wanting more than anything to keep them. To keep a memory of dad.

"Definitely." she smiled as she took a seat next to me.

I pocketed the small dice and looked up. Her eyes held that same look of determination and bravery, though she had just lost her love, her life.

"How are you staying so strong?"

"I'm hurting more than you could ever know, but we have a war to win, I have to lead an army to defeat the Order, I don't have time to be upset."

"But.. it's dad, you love him."

"I know."

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A/N

Thank you so much for 10k reads oh my goodness!!

I'm so sorry updates are coming slower than usual i'm doing exams at the moment and most of my free time is spent revising!

Hope you enjoyed this chapter,
M xx