Fatal Flaws

chapter 8

Goosebumps cover my naked body as I stand in the cramped shower space. Being on the shorter side, I have to balance on my tiptoes to reach the shower head. Even with doing that, it is still difficult for me to change its positioning away from me.

It takes forever for the water to heat up despite the hot being all the way on. After several long minutes, steam finally begins rising off of the concrete wall. The scolding hot water ricochets back toward me, burning slightly.

I fumble around, attempting to turn the cold on.It takes a few tries, but I finally adjust it to the right temperature.

Wanting to be cautious, I retest the temperature before turning it directly on me.The warmth from the water feels so good. The rough pressure massages over the sore muscles in my back. It's like hundreds of tiny fingers kneading away at my spine.

My fingertips trace slowly over the scar on my abdomen, back and forth. I watch while the water cascades down my stomach, rippling over the jagged edges of my past.

Not wanting to get lost in my thoughts, I lather my legs with shaving cream. The razor's edge runs smoothly up and down along my skin. Repeatedly until I'm satisfied with the results. I continue performing the same process in other areas. Making sure to concentrate on not nicking myself.

Next, I grab the shampoo, squirting a giant glob into my hand. I lather my hair down, firmly massaging it into my scalp. The hot, soapy water trails down my body as I rinse it out. The suds and water create a unique pattern. Both of them swirling and mixing before vanishing down the drain.

The bottle makes a plopping noise, as I shake it. The amount of conditioner I have to use is ridiculous. If I don't, my hair is a giant tangle of knots. My mom used to complain because we went through the conditioner so fast. She never understood why I had to use so much. Normally, it would turn into an argument. Her accusing me of doing it on purpose attempting to be wasteful out of spite.

Trying not to think about my mom, I load my loofah down with my favorite milk and honey-scented gel. My nana bought me it for my birthday. I love the way it feels. It's weird, but somehow, using it makes me feel as though she's nearby. Rather than hundreds of miles away.

As I am washing over my scar, visions from that night start playing in my mind. The sound of the gunshot's echoes all around me. I can't escape the noise. I double over in pain. It feels like my whole body is on fire. I can barely move. Looking down at my hands, there's so much blood. It's completely covering me, mine and his mixed.

The sound of other people in the shower room talking and giggling seems so far off. So distant. Like I'm watching my life through someone else's eyes.

My chest is tight. There is so much pressure, like an elephant is sitting on me. Every breath I take is painful, like a stab to the chest.

I'm back in that alley. Bullets are bouncing off of the nearby buildings. The sirens are racing by. They are going to find me any minute. I have an overwhelming sense to run.

The walls are closing in on me.

I'm so dizzy. I drop to my knees.

The hot water is steaming all around me. My eyes begin burning from the tears that are building up. I can hardly see anything through the mixture of steam and tears.

I don't even know how long I have been in here.

My chest is aching. I can only take short, shallow breaths.

There's a cloud of steam suspended in the air surrounding me. Almost like it's embracing me. I'm frozen.

The sound of something hrd dropping nearby reminds me of a gunshot in the distance. It all seems so real. The warmth of the water is mimicking the warmth of our blood.

I have to get up and get out of here.

Blindly, I'm able to use the cool tiles of the shower wall to force myself up. My head's spinning. It's taking everything out of me to block the visions from that night out.I don't even attempt to wash the few remaining soap suds off.I want to get out of here.

I need to get out of here.It's been over two years. When is this pain ever going to go away?

Cold air sneaks in from behind the curtain as I reach out to grab my towel. Goosebumps once again cover my body.

I take one last disgusted glance at my stomach before wrapping a towel tightly around my body.A couple of girls walk by me giggling. They're talking about nachos, of all things. Why can't I have normal thoughts like that? Why is my mind always blaming me and forcing me to relive my past? Is it my fault?

I stand there for a second, frozen, trying to collect my thoughts. My still-drenched hair spills water droplets down my back.

"Damn, this water is cold." A deep male voice comes from somewhere behind me. This jerks me back into action.

I decide against getting dressed in the shower room. My room is only a few doors down, and there are way too many people in here.I walk hastily towards the door, trying not to catch anyone's attention.This involves passing a group of girls who are standing naked in front of the large stand-up mirrors. They're comparing breast sizes and critiquing each other's bodies. Each of them pointing out microscopic flaws. Which are naked to the bare eye.

Several guys come walking around the corner in only towels covering their midsections. They stop abruptly and begin fixing their towels.I assume they are trying to check out the naked females without looking too obvious. Their eyes focused on the women's bare backs. They look creepy. Standing there silently grinning behind them.

I'm so relieved when the cool air from the hallways whips around my half-naked body. I instantly relax being out of that shower room.I hurry down the long hallway to my room. Lucky enough for me, I don't see anyone along the way.Hopefully, Skylar has decided to go somewhere. I want to be alone for a little while. I silently wish to myself as I open the door.

My heart drops.

Hayden is sitting on Skylar's bed. His smile grows wider when he sees me standing there.His eyes become fixated on mine.Freezing cold water droplets are still dripping from my hair. Each drop runs down my bare back, soaking into the thick material of the towel.

"Hayden, get out so she can get dressed. Not every woman wants you to see them naked. "Skylar giggles.

Without waiting for him to reply, she grabs his hand and pulls him into a standing position.I watch, relieved, as she ushers him towards the door. His arm grazes against mine as he walks by.

"Sorry about that. He normally never stops by, "she apologizes, closing the doo and walking back past me.

"I don't know what his deal is. Now that I think about it, I don't even think he mentioned why he was here in the first place." she babbles on as she lies back onto her bed. Thankfully, turning away from me.

I dart over to my side of the room, trying my best to stay hidden in the shadows.I rush to slide my panties on beneath my towel. My yoga pants follow next. I snap my bra on behind my back over the towel while grabbing my shirt.I pull out the towel, trying to be quick, and do it in one smooth movement. But I'm not fast enough.

"Oh, my gosh! Bex, what happened?" Her mouth drops as she takes in my scar.My face blushes.

Without looking up at her, I hurriedly pull my t-shirt on over my exposed body."It's nothing really," I stammer as Hayden walks back in.

Luckily, she gets the hint that I don't want to talk about it.She changes the subject, moving on to the fact that Hopes wants to get a new tattoo. They're thinking of getting matching ones.Something small but meaningful.

But not before she throws me a last-minute pity look. Something I have been trying to avoid all along.I have a sinking feeling this is not the last of this conversation. I'm glad I don't have to talk about it right now.I silently thank her, giving her a small grin, and nodding my head slightly.She seems to lose interest in trying to learn my secrets as she continues talking about her and Hope's plans.Hayden, seems less interested in what she is saying. He continues to watch me out of the corner of his eye.I ignore him, lying back on my bed. Still not in the mood to converse, I put my air pods in. Once again, they help me block the rest of the world out. Even though I can still feel his eyes on me as I drift off to sleep.