Fatal Flaws

chapter 18

The last few weeks have flown by between all my classes and the massive amounts of homework I've received. Not to mention the lack of sleep is rough. Having only three hours of sleep every night has had a tremendous effect on me. Both physically and mentally. My nightmares have gotten even worse. Now waking me up numerous times a night. Sometimes they are so horrible I stay awake trying to avoid them all together.

Skylar has been home a lot more, so I know I must have woken her up at some point. She hasn't come out and said anything to me about it, but I know I have. I'm thankful for her keeping my secret and not harassing me about it. The last thing I need right now is to have to explain myself to her. I wish the pain and memories would go away.

I feel like a freak. The girl who screams in the middle of the night. The one who has horrendous flashbacks at random moments. Breaking out in cold sweats, shaking, and screaming like a baby. Reliving a moment in time no one should ever have to live through.

No wonder everyone keeps their distance. If they knew the truth, they would ignore me even more. There are some days when I wish I didn't even know myself. When I go to sleep praying that I wake up with amnesia. That I can forget my whole past life. But that would mean forgetting Johnny. Could I do that? Would I even want that?

I haven't seen Hayden much either besides in class. Even then he doesn't say much to me besides Hey, here and there. It feels as if he's avoiding me on purpose.

I can't help but wonder if he got what he wanted from me and moved on. Or maybe Skylar and he had the same talk that we had. Either way, I don't want to bring it up and look stupid. Even if I was right all along about being nothing more than a fling. It still hurts.

But then again, I kept thinking about how different he was when we were alone. When it was the two of us all alone. He was so sweet and caring. Who knows, maybe it was an act to get me in bed. Pretend he cares about the little tortured girl.

Sky is finally letting the subject go. Things are slowly going back to the normal between us. I don't want to jeopardize that. Not to mention if I ask too many questions about why Hayden isn't talking to me, she might get a little suspicious.

She might start asking me more specific questions. And I'm not trying to go down that road with her again. She has made it loud and clear how she feels about the situation.

"Thank God it's Friday," Skylar exclaims, flinging herself onto the bed. I hadn't realized what time it was, and that class was already over. I had a migraine earlier, so I opted to skip my last class. I hate not going, but I'm pretty far ahead. So one class won't make a difference.Besides, I needed a little time to process the letter I had received this morning on top of everything else.

My brother's assignment across the seas got extended. So he will be gone an extra month or two. Maybe even longer, depending on how everything works out. When he first left, it was only supposed to be a few months and he would be home by Thanksgiving.But not now. He might not even be home for Christmas this year.

            

I haven't seen him in over a year and I miss him so much. He had to do a bunch of basic training and other random things that had kept him way before he left. And of course, I was M.I.A, when he left, so I missed his party.

This is the longest I have ever gone without seeing him.We were always super close, growing up almost inseparable. Before April came along, my mom would buy us matching outfits and parade us around. Most people thought we were twins. Now he's more like a stranger. The last picture he sent me, I barely recognized him. He even has neatly trimmed facial hair.