Fatal Flaws

chapter 22

The rest of the day is dragging by painfully slow. My mind is in a daze. All my thoughts are a jumbled mess. My body is going through the motions of existing, but my mind is a whole different story. Why did I even come? I could be at home right now, catching up on schoolwork. Or even sleeping. Anything would be better than sitting here, replaying Ashley's smart-ass comments repeatedly. Her smug face and whiny voice are now engraved into my memory once again. I had tried so hard to forget her.

I came on this road trip to have fun and be adventurous. A way to clear my mind, and relax. Hang out with my friends and let loose. Jokes on me, I guess. Instead, it's somehow turned into my very own personal nightmare. Once again, my past has come back to haunt me. Only this time it's wearing heels and drooling all over Hayden.

I was able to dry my tears and collect my emotions before the others made their way out of the shop. My stomach twinges. It hurts to see them laughing and joking amongst themselves. I can't help but feel guilty that I'm jealous of them. It must feel amazing to be normal. To not have a dark cloud of doom looming over your head day after day.

Within ten minutes were pulling into another parking lot. "Lucy's" shines brightly scrawled across the brick building in red fancy writing. The scent of Italian food hits me as soon as I open the door. It smells delicious. My stomach lets out a small grumble. I hadn't even realized how hungry I was with everything else going on. Without speaking, I follow behind everyone. Ben, being a gentleman, rushes forward to hold the door open for everyone.

The aroma inside is even stronger than it was in the parking lot. I avoid engaging in conversation while having dinner. Everyone seems worn out, focusing their energy on eating. Staring down at my plate, I can feel the tears building up. I'm ready to leave and go to sleep. To forget that today even happened. Despite the food being delicious, my appetite disappeared after several bites. Thankfully, everyone else scarfed their food down. So we were able to leave pretty fast. I ended up bringing most of my chicken Alfredo back with me. It was too good not too.

No matter what I did, I couldn't get Ashley's comment out of my mind. Of course, it was my fault. Who else would be to blame?? I've always known it, but to hear someone else say it out loud somehow makes it seem that much more real. I have always known that her whole family blames me. They didn't even let me say goodbye.

By the time we finally get back to the hotel, I'm done for the day. I'm relieved when, after a brief conversation, everyone agrees to turn in early. It's been an exhausting day and we have a long drive ahead of us in the morning. I'm more than ready to go back to campus. To get back to not having a life. At least consuming myself with schoolwork gives me an escape. Something to think about besides how screwed up I am.

We all quickly say good night, heading off in different directions. I once again silently follow behind Hayden down the long darkened hallway.

"Are you okay? "You've been pretty silent since we left the costume shop," Hayden comments as we walk into our room. Ignoring his question, I push past him, heading straight for the bed.

The mattress sags from my weight as I collapse onto it, covering my face with my hands. Everything about that night, Johnny's limp body, the gunshots, it all comes flooding back to me. My mind replays the images in slow motion. Once they come back, they don't go away. Nothing I do erases them. Closing my eyes makes it worse. I can see every little detail like it's happening right now in front of me.

My eyes are burning as I fight to hold in the tears that are threatening to cascade down my cheeks. I want to scream, but I know I can't. The bed shifts beneath me as my entire body trembles. I want to escape. To run away and never look back. But I can't. This is my life, my reality.