Loving Him Even In Sadness

Loving: Thirty-One

Apology

When I got home, agad kong tinawagan si General. I told him that I came back to Cebu for an emergency. Alam niya naman na Governor ako rito.

Pinaalam ko sa kanya na may kailangan akong pirmahan at ipapaubaya ko si Zack kay Lee at naintindihan niya naman iyon. Pero hindi niya alam na may ibang rason pa ako.

I can’t still process all I heard from Zack. Starting from admitting that he really loved me, to admitting that what he did was all an act and Sydney was just a made up character.

Hindi ko pa rin magawang maniwala. What he did was true to me. Hindi ko nakita kung saan banda roon ang pagpapanggap. His words was carved in my heart and mind! Nasaktan ako dahil doon. Lahat ng mga bagay na sinabi niya nanunuot sa aking puso’t isipan. And it will take time to heal.
Anyway, hindi ko naman siya tatanggapin.

Maybe I’ll forgive him pero wala na siyang babalikan. And what? He loves me then and now? Sino niloloko niya? Pinamukha niya sa akin na wala akong silbi, wala akong nagawa, na hindi niya ako minahal, na ginamit niya lang ako upang magkaroon ng lakas ng loob upang harapin ang babaeng ’yon.

I was so jealous to her knowing lamang siya sa akin lalo na sa pagmamahal ni Zack. Talo ako, mahal siya ni Zack, pero ako? Hindi niya ako minahal. Kaya’t abot langit ang pagseselos ko! Hindi ba ako naging sapat? Kahit sa ikling panahon na magkasama kami, hindi ba niya naisipan na mahalin ako?

My heart tightened and clenching in pain. Parang kinurot ang aking puso at namanhid. It started to feel pain and so as my eyes started to became heavy. Tears started to pool on my eyes as I reminisced those happy times hanggang sa dumako ang alala ko sa pag-iwan niya sa akin.

The pain he inflicted on me wasn’t bearable. Hanggang ngayon, nandito pa rin! I can’t seem to forget every pain I had.

Anyway, it’s Saturday right now kaya hindi pwede kung ngayon ako pupunta sa Capitol. It’s weekend kaya kailangan ko maghintay hanggang sa mag Lunes para maka-duty ako roon.

Mom is excited that I’m coming to their house today. I am no longer residing in my parents’ house since I live on my own now. Bumukod ako gamit sarili kong pera. I want to prove to myself na may nagawa ako para sa sarili ko. 

“Anak? Ano’ng oras ka uuwi rito?” Tanong ni Mommy nang sinagot ko ang tawag niya.

“Mamayang lunch ’ata Mom, I miss you.”

“I miss you too, baby. Kaya bilisan mo, Mommy wants to hug you again, okay? I love you!” She said making my heart melt for extreme warmth given from her.

“I love you most, Mommy. I’ll be there.”

I just want to have someone whom I can share my pain with.

***

Mabilis akong naligo at nag-ayos. The travel duration will last for twenty minutes bago makarating sa mansion ni Mommy. That’s why I have to be twenty minutes early on traveling.

Nang matapos ako mag-ayos, lakad-takbo ang ginawa ko patungo sa garahe ng bahay. Like what I’ve said, I have five cars here at home and the other three are in Manila. I want to settle here in Cebu kaya hinayaan ko na mas marami akong gamit dito.

Mabilis akong dumating sa mansion nina Mommy. And there, I saw them waiting for me. Mom is with my siblings together with their partners.
I can still remember how I cried my all when Ate Zia went critical the day Zack broke up with me and left me hopeless. Doble-dobleng sakit ang inabot ko roon. Kung sana lang ako ang may sakit, tatanggapin ko. Pero ayaw ng tadhana na tugunin ang gusto ko.