Forever. 💍

depression always finds a way back

     I finish ready it and bawl my eyes out. Daniel tries to calm me down. I hold onto him, gripping to him with tears steaming down my face. "Babe... i can't do it!" i scream in pain. I wake up daniayla by yelling in pain and daniel picks me up and goes to pick daniayla up too. He carries us both to the couch and sits with us. "mommy? are you otay?" She says. "Im fine my little girl..." I say sniffling.

    Daniel holds me close to him and i wrap my arms and legs around him begging for corbyn to come back. "what's wrong with mommy, daddy?" Daniayla says worried. "Mommy's not feeling well... because your uncle corb, isn't gonna see us again..." "Why not!" She says frowning. Daniel tries to hold us both and I end up getting up and saying "I'll let you two have each other..." I say. "No baby, i can cuddle you both..." He says. I say "No it's okay.. i need time to myself anyway.." I go to daniels bed and lay down. I smell daniel in his sheets and hold it close. I need daniel more than ever right now but i want daniayla to be okay... I cry so much. I feel a warmth around my body. It was like corbyn was with me..

    I talk to him and say "I.. i love u corbyn, and i miss you.. i don't know if i can do it without you.." The warmth becomes my whole body like he's trying to tell me it'll be okay. Daniel comes in and the warmth disappears, it's like he's trying to respect me and daniels relationship... he's here i feel him. "I put daniayla to sleep... do u wanna go see zach? he must be worried about what happened to corbyn.." He says. "Umm sure i'll call him to see if we can." I say. "and babe we need to talk.. i don't ever wanna cheat on you again, I love you so much! but i think i found someone else.." Daniel says. My heart drops. "babe really?" I say. "Baby... I'm not done living my life with you, i'm still madly in love with you.." He says.

    More tears poor from my face and i become hella numb. "whatever. your just like the other guys.." I say. "No babe... i'm always gonna love you, you know that! Of course... i'll always be with you, and we will always be married... i'll stop talking to franny..." I ignore him and get ready to go to zachs. I leave without daniel or daniayla.

The thought of daniel falling out of love with me is unbearable. I can't stop thinking about it. I hate the thought.

I arrive at zachs and just walk into his house. I hug him. "awww what's this for" he says. I say "Daniel doesn't wanna be with me anymore..." I say. Zach gasps. "Why?.." He says. I say, "i guess he's just sick of me..." Zach hugs me. We sit on the couch and i am in so much pain, i just can't believe all this is happening.

    "Well ya know mikayla... we have one more tour and than we are gonna be telling everyone we are not gonna be a band anymore. Me and you can leave and go live a new life in a different state." Zach says. I say "I do love you zach... but i can't leave daniel just yet... maybe we can go on vacation with each other for a little with no kids. We can have someone baby sit zayla if daniel doesn't want to."

    He nods his head yes. We get zayla from her crib and play with her and play toys with her. Zach keeps giving me sexy looks but I just try to focus on daniel.

    I have so many suicidal thoughts and I just wanna sit down and waist away.

    "Hey Mik... corbyns funeral is in about 4 days, are u gonna go?" Zach says. I say, "Of course i'm gonna go.. and when is your starting up again?" Zach says, "in a week.. so we can hangout with each other till then." "Well i'm gonna spend some nights with daniel only because, he is my husband and I love him... even if he doesn't love me back.." I say.
Zach hugs me and says "He will always love you.."

That made me feel a little bit better. Someone else telling me than he'll always love me made me feel good about myself. I just can't think about losing Daniel...

The funeral
The seat row for the funeral: Ashley, Jordan, Mom, Me, Daniel, Zach, Jonah, Christina and Jack. Many many people and fans were there too.

Zach of course wants to either sit by jack or me. He gets aggravated. I say "Calm down zach we need to pay our respects!" Daniel than just switches with zach so zach stops being annoying.

It gets very emotional for me when i have to say what i written about corbyn.

I stand up and say, "Corbyn Matthew Besson... You were my bestfriend and my brother, you have been there for me over and over again. I wish i could've known that you were gonna do that. I love you so so much... words can't even describe-." I can't finish the rest because the pain in my voice is getting lower and lower. I see daniel about to cry as well.

I than sit down and start crying on zachs shoulder. He hugs me. "I can't" I say trying to hold in my break down that i'm about to have. Jack than motions me to come over to him and i sit switch seats with christina. He gets out his juul and he opens his shirt I take the juul and puff in and out and realize the air in his shirt. I do it a couple times and than hug him saying thank you. It calms be down a lot.

I go back to sit with zach. He asks what he did and i said that he gave me a couple puffs of his juul. Zach absolutely hates when i juul so he got a little mad but he understood.

After the funeral ended, daniel wanted to go pick up daniayla and zayla and take them out for a girls day and talk about corbyn. We had to go pick zayla and daniayla from gabbies house because she was babysitting them while we were at the funeral.

   I let daniel go have a girls day with them and i stay home and watch netflix in daniels robe.

   A couple hours later he comes back to see me in his robe and laughs. "you always were my things, it's adorable!" Daniel says. Zayla and Daniayla come up to me and hug me.
"Aww i missed you all" I say. I hug daniel and he says "I love you and missed you too.."

I didn't know that was gonna be our last hug and 'i love you' till we got back together...