Eat

All I feel is pain

Ellen POV

Today was table read for season six's final. Patrick and I have done nothing but do our scenes and ignore each other. It hurts me but I'm moving on. I'm trying to.

I walk in and sit down with a huff. I thought after still not eating for weeks that I'd feel better but it gives the same effect. All, the, time.

Shonda comes in and hands everyone there scripts, while I look around to see him. Hm. He isn't there luckily. We start reading over the script, but strangely it started more and more dramatic. A shooting. Ah yeah, classic.

The more we go over, the more I start stressing. Meredith pregnant? How will they do that. Oh well that reed is gone now. Oh killing Derek. Wait. Killing Derek?? I look up immediately to Shonda.

"Well, the script isn't typed wrong. We will kill off Derek Shepherd due to Patrick's leave.." Everyone gasps.

"What? Why is he leaving? What happened??" Sandra said. "When was this decided?"

"But what about Merder. No kids and everything? That doesn't make sense!" Kevin yells.

They continue yelling through each other. But I stay quiet. Patrick is leaving, because of me..? I quickly stand up and rush out, leaving everyone confused.

The bad thoughts start to swarm when the guilt starts building up on me. It should be me that's going. I am the reason he's leaving.

I run into my trailer and quickly lock it before collapsing on the ground. I'm too tired to cry, I just sit there and stare.

Patrick's POV

I heard everyone's reaction, I was sitting in the other room so they won't ask too much to me. But I heard Ellen say not a word. I pushed her and I'm surprised. I grab my things and head to my trailer. I can already start packing the things I don't need anymore. It's really a goodbye.

After an hour, I walk out with some things and I see Ellen walking to her car. She looks more and more worse and then it hits me. She needs me to be okay. I can't.. just leave.  She won't make it without me. I see her sagging through her knees and I make my way up to her.

"Ellen, lean on me. I got you." She hesitates and pushes away from me.

"What.. do you want from me?! Just go already god damn it!" She yells but sounds so silent.

"Look. Yell at me all you want when you ate." I lift her up and carry her to the trailer. "Where are you keys?"

"Pants.." She mutters. I grab the keys and open her trailer before quickly laying her on the bed and tucking her in. I turn the heater on and frown at her. She looks so pale and small.

I look around her trailer and find some chicken soup. Perfect. I start making the soup and check in on her often.

Ellen's POV

I wake up in the trailer and frown. It's not that I'm not used to waking up here but last I remember I was in the parking lot.

I sit up and rub my head before smelling chicken soup. Chicken soup? Did I make it while I went back to the trailer? Oh god it must be burning?!

I quickly walk into my kitchen but immediately fall down. What the hell. I feel strong arms help me up and I look up straight into his eyes. "patty..?"

"I'm here Ellen.. You need to eat.. Please. Just a bit of soup." I sigh and shake no.

"Please don't. Patrick you are leaving.. why aren't you leaving yet then.." He places the bowl down and sits with me. He looks very tired and I regret not thinking about his well being all the time. He must think a lot too and he can't tell anyone.. I think.

"I am not. Look.. Jillian.. want me to move on from Grey's.. So I can do more things. She didn't.. yeah.. beg me too but for a moment I thought yeah, why not.. and I didn't think about you Ellen and I'm sorry. I don't think I can leave after everything I did for you."

"But Patrick you can.. I'm a grown woman I can do it.." I look at the soup and the smell makes my stomach rumble. He hears it and frowns.

"I.. did some research on.. this. And I might make you feel a bit scared with this but do.. I need to feed you? For once. I know you lost your mom early and I can't imagine that.. but I want you to be okay and I read that.. if I lay you on my lap and feed you it might help." He stops for a second and grabs my hand tight. "I want to help and it might sound stupid doing it like that but it's.. it's worth trying I think."

I stare at him for a bit before standing up. His idea sounds stupid. Hella stupid. Yet I sit down on his lap like a little kid. He looks at me with questioning eyes and I nod slightly. "Fine.." I whisper before laying my head on his shoulder. He grabs a spoon and slowly bring it up to my lips.

I open my mouth slightly, feeling awkward at first, but then slowly getting used to it. He keeps doing this till the bowl is empty. Without much speaking I realize this is way more then just an offer he's doing. He's being there when I need it. It's bringing me comfort I haven't felt in a while. Even when being with him.

He keeps holding me afterwards, stroking up my arm slowly while rubbing on some scars. We don't say a word.