Living in Cavetown

Chapter 18

I look at my brother through the glass with the phone pressed to my ear and tears rolling down my cheek. 

   "I don't hate you for what you did, Bubs. Please don't hate me for having you put in here. At least now we're both away from him. You can finally get the help you have always need," I say between gasps from my sobs. Chance is outside with the car and our things, we are leaving right after. He couldn't bring himself to look at my brother, said he would get arrested for death threats. Jamie gives me a stone cold look of nothingness. 

   "You need to stop coming to see me and don't bother calling. You won't be in my approved list after today." I gasp out a heart turning sob as I look at the only person who had protected me all these years. On the other side of the glass. Because of my selfishness. 

   "You don't mean that Jamie," I whisper in pain as I plead with him with my eyes. His jaw ticks in annoyance- just like HIS does. 

   "Leave, Jessica. I can't stand to look at you anymore." I nod slowly, giving into the realization that he is serious. I hang up the phone and slowly turn away from my brother. If I leave now I am damning him to his sentence and detaching myself. He will truly be alone in here, with no one on the outside bothering to come see him. 

I get out to the car and Chance starts it without looking at me. I think he does this so he won't go in there and make good on his promise to kill my brother. I silently cry into the hoodie Chance gave me before I went inside. 

   As we drive away I look in the side mirror at the compound. At least five years in there for me and the drugs they found in his vehicle and in his system. I pull my knees into my chest and sigh as my sobs turn into silent tears rolling down my face. This is going to be so hard. I take a deep shaky breath to try to calm myself as I try to listen to the music on the radio. 

After driving for about three hours in the dark, Chance pulls into a nicer looking motel. I look at him out of the corner of my eye. I'm exhausted and I just want to cuddle into him and sleep forever. Chance leaves the car running as he goes into the little office in the middle to get a room and key. He comes back into the car about ten minutes later with papers and a key. 

   "We're in room 412." It's the first thing he has said to me since I came out of the compound building to talk to Jamie. My heart squeezes in pain at the thought of him. I nod at Chance and he makes a right turn behind the office square and we pull in front of the 4's. 412 is the twelfth down on the row and the last one on the first floor. I get out and grab my bag, following Chance into the room. 

   I turn on the light as Chance set down his bag and kicks off his shoes. There is one bed that doesn't completely gross me out, a little TV with a microwave and mini-fridge under it and a dresser tucked into the corner. The bathroom is in the opposite corner to the dresser and looks just barely big enough to fit a shower, toilet and sink in it. There is no closet and no place to hang things up. There is a tiny metal space heater closer to the door but just barely far enough from the curtains so it wouldn't burn the curtains. The carpet has small stains spotted on it every few feet and the ceiling is spotted with smoke rings from previous users that obviously violated the no smoking rule. 

   I look over at Chance, who is putting new sheets that are two sizes too big over the pillows and blankets. He pulls the blanket that was on his bed out of a vacuumed sealed bag and lays it out on top of it. I guess I'm not the only one who hates the idea of sleeping on a bed used by other people I don't know. I smile my thanks and take off my shoes next to where he kicked his off. There isn't even a little desk in here. The room felt... pervy, in a sense. Like teenagers use this room after prom and pay too much so the person in the office lets them use the rooms. I cringe at the thought and Chance laughs at my disgusted face. 

   "I don't think I have ever seen someone's thoughts play out so well on their face before." He is obviously amused by my discomfort. 

   "Yeah well now that I think about it the smoke rings are probably from the clique after-sex cigarette." I cringe my nose. Chance laughs at my act. 

   "I try not to think about it, but now that you are so grossed out by the possibility it's so much funnier to think about." 

   "Good to know my discomfort still amuses you," I say in mock offense. He pushed himself up on his elbows to look at me. 

   "You know I would do anything for you. Anything, Jes. I mean it. I am here for you, and I promise he won't find us," he says. The teasing atmosphere is gone and I feel tense. 

   "You can't promise that he won't find me. He is smarter than anyone thinks he is." I whisper to him. 

   "Yeah, I know. That's why we didn't take my car and why I have a handgun on me at all times. There is one under the bed right now and another in my overnight bag next to the TV stand." 

   "I don't like guns." 

   "I know. Hence why I am only telling you to let you know that if it comes down to it, he won't be the only one with a gun. He'll have to kill me to get you back. Okay?" I nod. I don't really know what to say to that. "I love you, Jes." The air leaves my lungs. Everything was going so good until he had to say that. Again. What is it with these brothers and their undying love towards me? I nod and get into bed next to him. 

   "I know, Chance." I snuggle into him and let sleep take over me. I try not to feel guilty about not saying it back. It's too soon to feel safe and get attached. Maybe it will never been long enough and safe enough for me to say it back. That idea makes my heart heavy. Chance deserves someone that will love him back. He pulls me close and I lay my head on his chest. I fit so perfectly with him, I always have.