life may not be fair but it sure is beautiful

A letter of honesty

My Dearest Princess Kim Jiwoo,

I write you this letter with shaky hands and a heavy heart. My cowardice may never be forgiven by you, you may never pardon me for hiding behind ink and paper, revealing my true colors when it's too late. I can hear your thoughts while reading this, you're probably thinking; 'There he goes with that "I have a secret that will make you hate me." thing again. When will he understand that I love him no matter what?"

The problem with that thought is that 'he' will never understand you love him. 'He' can never be with you, ever. Because 'he' doesn't exist. There is no boy named Kim Junghyun who loves his princess. There is, however, a girl named Kim Jungeun who is forced to be Kim Junghyun and loves her princess.

You are probably reading my last sentence a few times to make even the tiniest amount of sense out of it. And I don't blame you. Before sitting down to write this long-overdue confession to you, I thought of numerous ways of telling you the truth and I can understand if it's too much to take in.

I was born midst of winter, eighteen years ago. My real name, the name my mother intended to give me, is Kim Jungeun. I don't know if you remember but that was why I was so pleasantly surprised when the nickname you thought for me was so close to my real self. That wasn't the only name I was given that day, there was also Kim Junghyun; the name my father chose for his long-awaited son he never had. He was sick of having daughters and during his outburst, he decided that I would be that son. I was never given the chance or the freedom to live honestly.

He brought me up as a boy, I learned everything that would be expected of a general's son. I was the epitome of a prodigy son. I wasn't really aware that this secret would affect my whole life that much when I was a child. Until I met you.

The king summoned me to meet you for the first time, saying that I would be your guard when my training was over, I was thrilled. I never saw someone as beautiful and interesting as you until that day. I don't know if you remember but you asked me why I looked like a girl. I thought you saw right through me, all those years until you told me you loved me, I thought you knew, deep down you knew and didn't care.

I can feel your confusion and heartbreak while writing this. It is too much to take in, perhaps. But I want you to know that my feelings for you are the only honest things in my life. We never talked about these issues, women loving each other, with you that deeply but I desperately clung to your response to Jinsoul and her lover. You said you read about it and you didn't seem disgusted. I chose to believe that maybe you would accept me too.

But I know I am being delusional. You love a false version of me, one that is a lie and never should have existed. As I said, I am writing this with a heavy heart, a heart full of sorrow and fear.

Sorrow for our love, that is only one-sided in a way. You loved Junghyun and I loved a Jiwoo who knew me and loved me, again, that is me being delusional.

Fear for the future. Fear that I might never return but also fear that I might return to find hatred and coldness from you. Fear of the love I have for you makes me incapable of choosing which of those options is the worst.

I want to end this by apologizing, deeply and with sincerity. I lied to you and toyed with your emotions. I couldn't stop myself from returning your affections and I lead us to a disaster ending. And I am sorry that I am such a coward that leaves you the truth like this in a letter I made you promise not to open until I go to war.

This letter does not mean my feelings are also lies. I still love every single part of you more than I love anything else. I still feel breathless every time you cross my mind. I still can't feel my legs when you look that pretty and I still can't help but falling in love all over again when you talk passionately about things you love.

Now all I wish is to give you peace and time to get over this heartbreak. Maybe it is for the best if I die serving my country, my princess. If I never return, I wanted you to know that even in my last moments, you will be there in my mind, my soul, and my heart, as you always are. I will always love you, unnie.

Your Loyal Guard, Your Hopeless Admirer, Your Dishonorable Liar;

Kim Jungeun, Daughter of  Kim Songyi and Kim Jungmin