Happiness Is(n't) In The Having

Chapter One - The One Thing I Want

This is my first work in this fandom so sorry beforehand.
I'm gonna be honest with you, I've been sitting on this for some time so I hands down don't know anymore what's written in this chapter bc I wanted to wait till I've written more but turns out I need a deadline to keep myself at it so here we go and create one. Was this betaed? Ask me something I remember. Just in case - thanks my beta angels, you know who you are.

Nevertheless, this, like all the finale fix-its I'm sure, comes from a deep place in my seriously scarred and traumatised spn-loving heart. I'm writing this for my sanity. I'm writing this so I can sleep at night. So if there's only one of you that still needs reading material for the same cause or even just for distraction or a moment of joy or whatever, I hope this can help.

Thank you all, I hope you like it, feedback would be immensely appreciated.
(Also for those who don't know me yet, I'm no native speaker so help and comments on that are just as valued:)

And ofc, Supernatural doesn't belong to me, neither do any of the characters, and the dialogue in the first half of this chapter was taken from the script of 15.18

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

"Because the one thing I want...it's something I know I can't have."

There's a pound at the door of the dungeon. Death's waiting for them. She's coming for them.

"But I think I know- I think I know now."

And Cas... Cas is talking.

"Happiness...isn't in the having, it's in just being. It's in just saying it."

Dean doesn't understand a word he says.

"What are you talking about, man?"

Cas smiles. He smiles like he knows Dean is lost. He smiles like he's waited for this. (If Dean only knew what this is.)

"I know- I know how you see yourself, Dean", Cas says, and takes a step in his direction, and what is he doing, what is he saying, what does this have to do with anything, what-?
"You see yourself the same way our enemies see you. You're destructive, and you're angry, and you're broken...and you're Daddy's blunt instrument."

And Dean doesn't get the point of this, doesn't need to hear those things, doesn't need to be told, and not now, not-

"And you think that...your hate and anger, that's what drives you, that's who you are. It's not", Cas says and Dean's brain doesn't catch up, and are there tears in Cas' eyes?
"And everyone who knows you sees it. Everything you have ever done, the good and the bad, you have done for love. You raised your little brother for love, fought for this whole world...for love. That is who you are."

There's a pound again. This is what their nearing end sounds like. He barely hears it.

He hears every word, though, grasps their meaning, and understands none of it. He knows this is Castiel talking, talking to him, but it doesn't feel like it. Because why would Cas say such things to him. Why would anyone say such things to him? But Cas...Cas. Cas just keeps talking, keeps talking as if any of this were true, as if any of this didn't meet unworthy ears.

"You're the most caring man on earth, you are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. And ever since we met, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, knowing you has changed me."

He feels like watching the scene play out from afar, listens to the angel's words, recognizes the soft voice as that of his best friend, mesmerized by its tone and the words Cas strings together, far too good and beautiful for this dark cellar surrounding them, far too good and beautiful for the bangs at the door Dean can hear echoing somewhere in the back of his mind, far too good and beautiful to be witnessed by someone like him. He can see the tears streaming down Cas' face, they make the blue of his eyes glisten and it's always been hard not to get lost in those eyes, but now, now, with those words reverberating around him in the air and the smile that reflects in them, it's damn near impossible.