Yes, I'm still alive! I'm sorry yall, I have seminar papers to write and I'm a terrible procrastinator, I admit it, I'm always putting everything off until the last minute and now I'm stressing a bit but well. And then I also did my first GISH hunt last weekend which was a ton of fun but distracting and exhausting nevertheless. Anyway, I finally have something for you, wahoo!
Usual game, 3:30 am, not beta read.
Shoutout to my cousin tho who helped me develop the plot and a few lines for this one (not sure if it turned out how they meant it in the end but howeveeeeer) and to my friend charlies_secret_closet for her steady encouragement and the vocabulary tips❤
So...this maybe won't go in the direction you expected (or maybe it will, who knows) but I hope you enjoy it!
~oOo~oOo~oOo~
It's been three weeks now, three wonderful, excruciating weeks, and he still can't do it.
Dean lies on his side in the dark, eyes open and staring into nothingness. There's a warm comforting weight in his back, Cas' soft and regular breathing in the silence. If he didn't know better he could think the angel was asleep.
He's probably lying on his side too, or on his back, head turned to face Dean. He can just imagine it, the soft look in those blue eyes that are resting on him now, have almost constantly been resting on him for the last couple of weeks.
They barely leave each others' side. He's not sure what it is for Cas that makes the angel anxious to let Dean out of his sight, perhaps it's the newness of it all, the wonder that it's real, the fear that if they part and come back together it will all turn out to be a dream. It's like that for Dean, too, but it's more. He can't forget the Empty, even though it's been months and there has been no sign of anything unusual in the bunker or anywhere else. Still, there's this desire in him, impossible to ignore and even more impossible to expel. The desire to wrap Cas up in his arms like he's done that day when the Empty was raging around them, hide the angel away somewhere nothing and no one is ever going to find them.
Because they still don't know. They still don't know what it was, why the Empty didn't take Cas like it was supposed to, like it had the right to. If Dean has learned anything in his years as a hunter, it's that a deal aways has its price. And there's no supernatural being that would just let go of what they'd been promised. So what if Cas isn't safe, what if he'll never be safe, wherever they go, whatever they do? What if Dean will have to live in the constant fear to lose him again, sudden and unannounced, any minute of any day? What if Dean can't protect him?
So all he does is keep an eye on him, take him anywhere he goes, doesn't leave his side for a second. Gladly, Cas doesn't seem to mind. He goes gladly, smiles shyly back when Dean gives him a smile over the breakfast table or squeezes his shoulder in the Impala on their way to the store. Dean loves and hates it at the same time.
He loves it because he simply can't not love it when Cas smiles at him, smiles because of him.
He hates it because he would like to do much more. But the thing is...apparently he can't.
He's been trying. He's been trying hard. Just today they were grocery shopping together, like they've done a dozen times before. It's nothing out of the ordinary anymore, neither is it new that Dean has been staring at Cas' hand the whole time. The way his elegant fingers flex when he picks up a bowl of salad for Sam, inspects it carefully for bruises and signs of decay before giving it an approving look and dropping it in their basket. The way in which they surely reach for Dean's favourite sort of pie, strong and beautiful, and Dean doesn't even register what he's holding out to him until it joined the rest of their purchases. He's wanted to reach out and take one of those hands in his, has been thinking about nothing else, has even been playfully scolded by the angel for daydreaming and letting Cas do all the shopping by himself.
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Happiness Is(n't) In The Having
FanfictionIt's not a decision. Not more than the immobility was that had frozen his muscles before and made it impossible to move. It isn't a thought that drives him to throw himself at Cas, between Cas and this supernatural entity he knows he can't defeat. H...
