Happiness Is(n't) In The Having

Chapter Twelve - If I Allow It Now

I wrote my first exam of the semester this morning (at fucking 8:15, guys, if I ever find out who set that time I SWEAR-) and spent the rest of the day working on this. And the night. Now that I think about it the exam was actually yesterday bc it's 6am. Anyway. Point stands. Much nicer than uni work, either way. I hope you're gonna like the way we're progressing...*nervously chews on fingernails*

The little retrospect part in italics is for my friend Chelsea. Thanks for the suggestion and location idea, dearest!

Reference to "Clean" by Taylor Swift and "Unsaid Emily" from Julie & The Phantoms.

Oh, and slight warning for bad anger and pain management. I don't think it's a lot, but just to be sure, if such things trigger you, look after yourself first.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

He shouldn't be surprised.

He knows he shouldn't.

Still, the confirmation hurts. It hurts like a bitch.

He didn't mean it.

He knows he has no right to feel like this. He has no claim on Cas, none. Cas has never been his to lose.

His heart doesn't give a shit.

He's been hiding in his room. Again. He doesn't even find it in himself to care about the patheticness anymore. At least he's not hiding from Cas this time. At least not explicitly. No, this time, it's Sam and Eileen. Great, right? Add another two names to his list of 'People Dean Pathetic Asshole Winchester Fled From'. Only a question of time until his whole family's up there as it seems. Awesome.

They didn't even do anything. They'd just been happy, telling him about their date.

"It was really educational", Sam had said with a beaming smile. "Stuff even we hadn't seen before, let alone used. Here, I took notes. You never know when it might come in handy."

"Notes, Sam? Seriously?" Dean had crossed his arms in front of his chest, raising his eyebrows teasingly. "I thought this was supposed to be a date, dude. You can't leave your girl hangin' like that." He protectively wrapped an arm around Eileen's shoulders, marking his point. "And while we're at it - a museum, guys??" His brother was really unbelievable. A fucking museum trip for a date. At least it had been about weaponry and not some art or history bullshit, although he wouldn't scratch that from Sammy's 'perfect romantic location' list, either.

"Hey!" Eileen disentangled herself from him with a look of fake offence, pushed him playfully with a warm grin on her face. "It was awesome!" Sam's following grin had been even wider as he welcomed Eileen in his arm instead.

"Yes, it was." He'd pressed a kiss to her hair that made Dean's heart both warm and ache before Sam's grin grew dirty and he signed in Eileen's direction what Dean read as As was that dark corner we found in the knife section. The way Eileen had blushed and bit back a smirk left no doubt that his sign training hadn't let him down. Though he kinda wished it had. He really did not need to hear that. ...Read. See. Whatever.

"Oookay, that's my cue!", he'd exclaimed dramatically, making his way to the kitchen door.

"Night, guys. Oh and Sam?" His brother had looked back at him with a twinkle still in his eye and Dean had put on his sweetest of smiles. Fuck you, he'd signed and quickly disappeared around the corner. The laughter he heard coming from the kitchen had made him guiltily pick up his pace towards his room that he knew would be empty and lonely.

Despite all the teasing, he couldn't help but envy them. A museum. They're tooth-rottingly cute and perfect for each other. They're good for each other. They'll probably marry someday and have a beautiful family without any secrets or lies or baggage to drag their relationship down.