Happiness Is(n't) In The Having

Chapter Seven - Masters Of Conversation

Hey, I just finished this, it's 2 am, I'm tired, it's not beta read. Just as a warning.

My brain's kinda not into coming up with anything to say at the mo, so I just won't, except for the usual - hope you like where this is going, comments give me life, I love yall.

Also, I'm a sucker for soft Sam and Cas, ok? Don't judge me. That's all I'm saying as excuse for this.

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

He's a fucking coward.

Four days. It's been four days and he hasn't said anything to Cas.

Well. He said Hey and Morning and Thanks and How about coffee.

Yep. Master of conversation.

Thing is, he hasn't really talked to Cas. Nothing that would matter. He's been thinking about it a lot. He's been thinking about it too much. He's written whole pages of monologue in his head, a million ways to apologize to an angel (honestly, it's probably a lot easier to die in the West, ok), found them all to be empty and pathetic and scratched them out again.

It sounds easy, just saying I'm sorry. It isn't.

He's standing in the doorway to the library, shoulder leaned against the frame, arms crossed in front of his chest. He watches how Sam hugs Eileen for the first time in weeks and his heart aches. There are so many echoes of hugs with Cas he can still feel on himself like phantom touches, warm arms wrapped around him, joy and relief seeping from the angel and flooding his insides with something heavy and pleasant, something grounding. It's been That Day, the last time they hugged, and even then it hadn't actually been a real hug. Not with the Empty raging around them. Not with the cold fear twisting his belly and overshadowing the moment of rare intimacy.

The hug happening in front of him lasts maybe a little too long (Dean can relate to that, too) and he's happy for Sammy, he really is. Still, he can't help but feels just a tiny sting of jealousy as well.

"Hi, Dean." Eileen has disentangled herself from the wide arms of his brother and waves over to him with a bright smile. Dean smiles back as sincerely as he can. It takes a bit of effort, but it's manageable. He's genuinely glad to see her, after all, he'd missed her, swirling around the bunker and lightening the atmosphere with her quick wit, not to mention how pleased he is to finally see Sam happy. He's earned it, the little moose.

Before Dean can move to go hug her as well (not that he's absolutely fucking craving a hug right now or anything, that'd be ridiculous) she turns, directing her beaming smile and kind eyes to the angel she's spotted in the corner.

"Cas."

"Hey, Eileen." Cas smiles, adorable and just a hint awkward as he shifts on the spot, apparently unsure if to step forward or not. Eileen takes pity on him, opening her arms in invitation with a grin that's quickly mirrored by Cas when he realises what she's asking. He wraps her into a hug that makes Dean's heart clench and eyes sting and he has to look away.

How pathetic. He should be ashamed of himself. (He is.) Not only that he's too much of a coward himself to admit to what he wants and to fucking go and ask for it, dammit, he can't even watch others have it and not be a jealous ass about it.

Well done, Dean. Project your own resentment on your family, why don't you. Great move. Just fucking great.

He clenches his hands to fists by his sides and fixes his eyes on the floor. This is awful. He should be happy that they're happy, and he is. He really is. But...y'know. But.

He really needs to go back to his room. Better sooner than later. Hiding there forever suddenly sounds like a pretty solid plan.

And before it can creep into his conscious thoughts how fucked up that actually is right now, he has already turned around and is halfway down the corridor.