Happiness Is(n't) In The Having

Chapter Two - The More That You Say, The Less I Know

Just so you don't get confused: We skip the part of defeating Chuck, just imagine it being 15.19 with Cas there, I guess. (And probably Dean being very distracted bc of Cas being there...;)

This is still unbeta'd, sorry if I have typos left, I can't proofread on a screen if my life depends on it.

This chapter's beginning was inspired by some lines in the series "Deadly Class", guess you could call it a reference. It's not the only one. I think there's also some "Descendants" in there somewhere? I take Destiel inspiration out of every damn thing at the moment, I swear. The title is from "Willow" by Taylor Swift (nah I've not been obsessively listening to Evermore bc of Destiel, why would you think that?).

~oOo~oOo~oOo~

We live our lives having these fictitious ideas of what we think other people will accept. Our parents function as ideals to an unknowing and malleable youth, naive and begging to be influenced. When people approve of something, we watch, learn and try to copy that behaviour, that personality, even. When they respect us, when we're given their validation, we feel secure. We end up barricaded behind masks, honing our act. But if we're not careful over time, that person down underneath the social training becomes unrecognizable, lost. Our act becomes the truth. And the truth becomes some residual of the person we were before we learned how to fit in, how to disappear in the mass, how to please everyone but ourselves.

The sad result is standing in front of the mirror of one of the bunker's bathrooms, staring at his own reflection, not recognizing the man that stares back at him. He isn't himself, he isn't what his father wanted, he's someone in-between. And he'd lived as that person (whoever he was) for so long that he couldn't even recall what it felt like to truly know yourself.

And what for? What was the purpose of all that masquerading, all that trying to be someone you're not, just to find out that all your efforts have been for fucking nothing because your undertaking had been doomed to failure all along?

Why tell all those lies? Why all those years of feeling unworthy? Like there isn't solid ground for you to stand. Shouldn't he have known that it would all end in a pile of burning crap? After all, a stack of lies is never a firm foundation. You can't build a castle on a mountain made of sand.

Dean presses the heels of his palms against his temples and listens to the water splashing in the sink. It's the middle of the night, and he's had one of those dreams again.

It would be weird, he decides. Kissing Cas. Not that he thinks a lot about kissing Cas in the first place. Or dreams about it. Whatever. Why would he. He doesn't think about kissing Cas at all, okay? And if he did, like...hypothetically (hypothetical thinking, not actual thinking about hypothetical kissing, that is) it would definitely be weird, and not the best thing he can imagine, not the only thing he's ever wanted, because why should it be something he wants if it's not even something he thinks about??

Yep. It'd be weird, he tells himself, you know, like a liar. (Unfortunately, saying a lie over and over doesn't make it true.)

Because this is Cas. This is Cas, his best friend Cas, who just so happens to be an angel of the Lord and who he with all certainty did not want to kiss, like, at all.

Oh fuck it, no more pretty lies. He's just kidding himself, anyway. He's far from unaware of his feelings for Cas. He just knows there's no point. They're inappropriate, they're impossible, they're fucking intense and they're terrifying the shit out of him. So better not acknowledge them, better shove them down soooooo far that he won't even manage to dig them up again himself. The only times he allows them a second to breathe is through outbursts of rage.