Next To Me

Of Frustrations

The night crept on and I can feel that my friends were curious about the coldness between me and Jody. I was quiet and Jody was silent with me while she still mingled with the rest and even with Lily. As dinner was done, I went with Julius and Gregg and got ready to be drunk. This feeling that is bothering me now isn't about Lily anymore. Jody was the root cause of this. She was taking turns with Lily and Anna at the karaoke.

"Oh, you choose my song! Come on sing it now!" Anna cheered Jody excitedly as we heard Leigh Nash's Need to be Next to You. Jody was singing well enough to make Anna and Lily snuggle with their boyfriends. I just gulped another bottle of beer for the nth time.

"What's with you and Jody?" Gregg asked curiously.

"Yeah awhile ago you two were sweet as honeybees and now this? And what's with the song?" Julius added and I just laughed at them.

"You know them girls, right?" I said trying to veer away from the topic.

"But you know, Jody seems to get you. I mean she's totally different from your past relationships?" Gregg said and Julius nodded his head in agreement. I didn't notice that there was no one singing anymore as Matt and Tom joined us in our dinking. I decided I had enough with the beer and left them already.

I saw Lily having a smoke outside the cottage.

"Oh, I thought you were with Jody?" she exclaimed.

"What do you mean?" I asked scratching my head and feeling angry already with Jody's drama.

"She said she was taking a walk. I thought you were with her."

"No! She was ignoring me awhile ago."

"Is there a problem?" she asked coming close to me and I step backwards and she was surprised with my gesture.

"Don't start with me, Lily, please. Don't play with me. Acting like a poor soul and caring for me now. I need to go to Jody!" I said and she smiled at me.

"I'm sorry if I gave you that wrong impression. Go on, then. She loves you. I can tell. The way she stares at you, I don't think I was staring at you like that before." Lily said and I turned my back on her and went to the beach.

I gave out a deep sigh as I found Jody just standing there and watching the waves rushing to the shore. The wind was cold now and she was hugging herself.

"Hey! What are you doing here?" I called out and she suddenly wiped something on her face as she faced me. She had been crying.

"I'm going back now." She said as she was about to walk passed me but I blocked her way.

"What's with you!? God, you're infuriating, Jody! Why does everyone tell me you are different but I don't like it! I am not supposed to care for you or even get mad at you. Then everything you do, even your silence affects me!" I cried as I was having a tight grip on her arm and I could tell she was in pain because of my grip. She was trying to let go from my grip but I won't let her.

"You're just drunk. Just stop blaming me with what you are feeling. We don't have to care for each other."

"But I can't seem to stop myself from getting angry or mad or even getting happy with you. Just by being next to you..." I said almost in a whisper and she was just staring at me. She won't give me any answer with the way she looked at me. I gave out a deep sigh and just held her hand and she let me.

We walked back to the cottage. Julius was inviting me for another round of drinks. I looked at Jody and she just smiled nodding her head.

"I can't any-"I was not able to finish my sentence as I felt her lips on mine. It stayed there warmly for a moment and she inched away. She let go of my hand and walked along to our cottage. I am not drunk. I don't get drunk and I'm fully aware of the warmth that runs through me when Jody kissed me. The guys cheered as I decide to join them for another round.

I merely emptied a bottle when I decided to get back to our cottage. As I was near the cottage, I could hear an argument at Lily and Matt's cottage. I saw Matt went out with his bag and get to the parking area. As I was to open the door to our cottage out came Lily on the other cottage. She lighted another cigarette and blew her smoke.

"Go along, Raymond. I won't give you that impression anymore." She said and I went on the side railings dividing our cottage from them.

"When I kissed you awhile ago, I made sure Jody would see it. I don't know. I guess I felt bitter. But then I felt bad." Lily gasped.

"I knew it. I knew Jody saw it."

"I'm supposed to feel happy for you but seeing you finding a different girl. So different from me, and she loves you. I guess I felt insecure."

I laughed and shook my head. It's the second time Lily told me that Jody loves me.

"Jody is more insecure than you. Knowing you, you shouldn't feel that way. You do really, think she loves me?" I asked trying to confirm her words. It was her turn to laugh and shook her head. She didn't give me an answer and went inside their cottage.

I finally went inside the cottage and Jody was still up reading on her side of the bed with the lampshade on. I threw myself beside her and turned my back on her. I felt her close her book and finally turned off the lights. She finally lay down.

"Could you hug me?" I said out of nowhere and without any hesitation I felt her arms wrapped around my waist and I could feel her heartbeat against my back. I was starting to close my eyes and she thought I was drifting to sleep when she started her words on me. The words that I never expected but my heart longs for it.

"Are you asleep?" she whispered and I felt her warm breathe on my nape. I relaxed my breathing so she could tell that I am fast asleep.

"I love you...there you are. You are one lucky guy, as you said. Girls do come after you..." she laughed softly beneath her words. I felt my heartbeat deafening as it beat against my chest. I felt her heart beating along with mine in one motion.

"I love you...It felt good saying that. But I know, that's just it. I have to push you away every time you come near me. I have to stop myself for being overjoyed just by having you next to me. I have to walked away and leave you always so not to see you leaving me behind first. I like this feeling you know. I also know I can't make you love me that's why I must do these things. You see, my problem is I always fall for the wrong person. To someone who can't love me back..." she gasped and she was crying. I felt the warmth of her tears wetting my shirt. My round eye is crying.

"I love you...that's already three dose of I love yous for you. I know you are mad because you don't like the way I make you feel. I am not your girlfriend. You can stop being frustrated. I fully know-"I didn't let her finish her sentence and moved to face her.

"Why is it wet on my shirt? Let's go to sleep, round eye?" I whispered to her face not conscious of my breath smelling of liquor and not opening up my eyes to see her. I can't see her crying. I'm not strong enough for her tears as for the moment. She was about to pull away from me but I pulled her hand back on my waist. I put my one arm around her back so she can't break lose from me. I felt her nose touching my nose already. I can still hear her sobbing and I just pull her closer until she was snuggling on my neck already.

Round eye really loves me. And I am scared for what I am feeling right now.