"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 12

Josh made his way under the lights that lined the path to the front door where he'd stood so many times before, the tears and fierce shaking taking control again before he was within arm's length of the building. The rain had once again plastered Josh's hair to his forehead and down in front of his eyes, but he didn't bother to brush it away this time. What was the point? 

Standing at the door, he rested a hand lightly against the raised numbers that told him that he was seconds away from being right where he needed to be. Josh curled his hand into a fist, pounding on the door, then taking a step back to wait. A minute later, there was no answer and he raised his fist to knock again, a little louder and more consistently until the door finally pulled inward, revealing a disheveled figure with curled brunet hair and sleepy eyes. 

"Matt, help me...," the singer begged, shuddering violently and falling into the apartment the minute he saw his protector. 

The guitar player caught Josh just before he hit the floor of the foyer. Lowering him gently to his knees, Matt knelt with him, moving his hands from around the blond's body and up to his shoulders, studying him intently. "Fucking shit, man, what happened to you? Are you okay??"  

The shivering, the tears, the relief that he was no longer alone, and the anxiety that still had him in a stronghold all worked together, refusing to allow him to string together a single coherent sentence. "I can't... I'm not... God...fuck... Matt." The older man spoke in broken, one syllable words, groaning at his inability to get out the thoughts he needed.  

"Hey, hey, breathe, remember?" the guitar player reminded him, gently squeezing Josh's uninjured left shoulder. "Stay with me, okay? Take a breath." 

Josh swallowed once, twice, then opened his mouth, pulling in as much air as he could before feeling his cracked ribs shifting again. He winced slightly, but it helped to take his mind off the immediate problem. 

"Again," Matt directed him several seconds later, his hands slowly sliding from Josh's body. 

The blond moved to sit resting on his hip with his legs tucked up and off to the side before he sucked in another, slightly more shallow breath, eyes fixed on the logo on the front of the brunet's tshirt until he felt comparatively better, even if it wasn't much. 

"Try explaining one more time?" the guitar player asked quietly. 

Josh shook his head, feeling nowhere near ready enough to try speaking again. 

"Okay. That's fine - whenever you're ready. But you're really fuckin' freezing here, so hang tight for just a minute," Matt said standing clumsily, nearly tripping over himself as he pulled himself to his feet.  

Unable to control the shaking that was now causing the singer to wonder if it would ever stop, Josh braced his left hand against the floor, his arm barely able to hold him up. He huffed, trying hard to hold back the feeling of panic that was starting to rise in his chest again. "No! Matt! Please! I can't...don't...no..."  

"Okay, man, just...breathe," Matt reminded him for the millionth time since they'd met so many years ago. "It's okay, it's okay. I wasn't gonna leave. I was only gonna go get you a blanket so you don't freeze your ass off." The guitar player lowered himself to the floor again, this time sitting cross-legged in front of the blond. "But, I'm not going anywhere. I'm still here." Josh knew that Matt was trembling in the cold wind that continued to blow through the open door, too, but he couldn't force himself to move yet, and he didn't want the younger man to leave his side. 

Instead, he sat up a little straighter, wrapping his good arm around his chest and ducking his head, rain water continuing to drip from the ends of his hair, his eyelashes and off the tip of his nose, landing with small splatters on the hard maple wood. "Jesus, you're cold. And soaking wet." Josh felt the younger man put a hand against his shoulder again, calloused fingertips pressing gently into his skin. The guitarist's palm felt warm on his flesh, which raised small bumps over his form as he reacted to the contrasting temperatures. 

It seemed like all Josh was able to do since he'd shown up was nod, so he dipped his head fractions of an inch, which probably would have been missed had Matt not been practically sitting in his lap. "Y-yeah...," he stuttered, confirming Matt's words, body nearly seizing entirely from the constant shaking.  

"Were you, like, out there walking around in that shit or something?" 

This time, the singer shook his head as he dug the tips of the fingers of his right hand into his tshirt where his arm hung, held tightly across his chest by the restrictive sling. He was still wearing exactly what he'd worn home from the hospital, not stopping to consider a jacket in his rush to get out of the house and away from...that place. 

"Then what the hell happened to you? What's with all the blood? Are you okay?" Matt asked for the second time, pulling his hand away from Josh and crossing his arms loosely, sliding his hands up under his own short sleeves in a vain effort to warm up a bit. 

The singer answered bluntly, staring back down at the floor and focusing his attention on the puddle of water forming around him. "No."  

"Then talk to me, Josh. There's no... I can't help you if you don't tell me why you're here." Matt sounded as though his patience was being tried. His tone was gentle, but strained and he was understandably irritated. He was following the script in the exact way he knew he should, but Josh had lost the plot. He couldn't keep up. Again. The blond was already pissed off at himself for showing up without any warning, quite obviously waking the younger man up, but he wasn't in the mood to talk. It just wasn't the time to explain to Matt why he was there. Maybe eventually, but for now, he just needed to be somewhere safe without being interrogated. 

Even though Josh didn't feel like answering a bunch of questions, the truth was that he still wanted Matt to somehow telepathically know everything that was going on in his head in the worst way, without having to actually speak the words. He wanted the guitar player to know that he was so fucking scared out of his mind that he couldn't even move around his own home without being paralyzed by the worry that someone was lurking behind closed doors, ready and waiting to kill him. He needed the brunet to know that the man who had injured him so horribly had also broken him in so many more ways than he would ever want to admit. But how could he tell Matt that same sassy blue-haired wonder child who used to be able to stand in front of a crowd of ten thousand people and pour every emotion he had into a song that he had written about something so personal that it left him teary eyed and asking the audience for help singing the last verse... could no longer even stand to be alone in his own home without having a complete breakdown? There were no proper words for that. At least, none that Josh could form, and none he wanted to try to conjure up. 

"Fuck...," was all Josh whispered as the tears started to flow again. He blinked rapidly, feeling even more unstable because of what was in his head rather than because of what Matt was asking him. "Fuck me..." 

"Okay, man, you're scaring the shit outta me right now. You have to try to tell me what's wrong. I'm not giving you a choice anymore. But first, get your ass into the goddamn house so I can close the door, or you're gonna get frostbite and lose your fingers and you'll have to play the guitar with your dick." Matt braced his hands against the floor and shoved himself to his feet with a bit more ease this time, leaving Josh a shaking mess on the floor. 

"No," the singer whispered again. He wasn't quite as afraid as he had been when he'd first arrived, stuck in one spot and unable to move. He didn't know how much time had passed, but now that he was there and out of harm's way, his body just felt...heavy. He felt heavy and drained and he didn't want to move. 

"No? Yes. C'mon, Josh. At least go sit on the sofa, hm? It's warmer over there and a hell of a lot more comfortable. I promise. Let's go." Josh stared up at the hand the younger man had extended down to him and reluctantly took it, clasping his fingers around the younger man's, letting himself be slowly and gracelessly pulled to stand with great difficulty.