"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 8

By the time Josh woke again, this time after a nearly completely dreamless sleep, save for some vaguely familiar guitar riff that was running through his mind the whole time he was out, it was seven p.m. and he was alone. He was wider awake than he had been, and the new heightened awareness threw him mentally off balance. 

"Matt?" he whispered, clearing his throat and calling again. "Matt!" Josh's eyes quickly searched the darkened room, suddenly half afraid every shadow was another armed assailant trying to take his life. That wasn't something he'd predicted would happen, but by God, there he was, trying to hide in his bed from something he couldn't see and wasn't even sure was there to begin with. God, fuck, please, please let that be a chair, Josh prayed, pulling the blanket up to his nose and balling his fist into it as he stared at a silhouette that looked like it could be a man crouching on the ground less than two feet away from his bed. Please, please. "MATT!!!"  

"Josh, man, what? Are you okay? What is it? I'm here. I'm right here." The guitar player rounded the corner and flipped on a small, dull lamp that had been set on the four-drawer dresser across the room. It cast just enough light for the singer to see Matt drying his hands on some rough, hospital grade paper towels and moving to throw them into the garbage can near the door. He stepped up to the chair and sat down, grabbing the arms and pulling it up so close to the bed that Josh was certain that the younger man could feel how badly he was shaking without ever laying a hand on him. 

"I'm here," Matt repeated. "I'm sorry, I was in the bathroom. I only walked away for a minute and you were sound asleep."  

"I didn't... I woke up... You were gone. I just...fuck -," Josh whispered again, speaking into the cloth and gripping the blanket tighter in his hand. 

"Hey, it's okay, man. It's okay. You're safe. I'm right here. There's no one else in the room but us." The blond reached a trembling hand out and grabbed at Matt's sleeve, that small touch once again becoming his saving grace. He pulled the brunet's arm closer until he was able to let go and clasp Matt's much warmer hand tightly instead. It still wasn't enough, but he felt so goddamn stupid for feeling that way. He felt even worse for needing more than that. 

"M-m-matt," Josh stammered, unable to speak as well as he wanted, barely able to speak at all. 

"Breathe, man. Just breathe. Slow and easy. Try again in a minute." The younger man had seen Josh through some panic attacks when they were kids and knew how to handle them, though the singer wasn't even sure, himself, that this current issue was really any sort of a panic attack. He was just plain scared and he needed Matt closer, but he did as he was told and took two shallow breaths in through his mouth anyway, just to appease the guitar player. Anything deeper than that or through his nose hurt, as he'd found out the hard way.  

"Okay?" Matt asked gently after a beat or two. 

Josh nodded and started his thought over, slowly and carefully, but slightly unsure as of how to word his question so that it didn't sound as strange out loud as he knew it did in his head. He'd never asked this of his friend before, but he figured that everyone was entitled to be a little weirder than usual when they'd had a near death experience. That's the way it worked, wasn't it? "Wi-w-wi-will you...I mean...I need....Matt, please." Josh tugged roughly on the younger man's arm, still unable to get his point across and feeling more frustrated about that than anything else in his life at the moment. "Please," he pleaded. 

"Josh, I don't know... I have no idea what you want, man. Use your words, okay? Try again. Slowly. Talk to me. Don't make me guess." Matt tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, waiting to hear whatever it was that the singer was trying to get out.