"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 50

"What's that in your hand, Josh? Looks pretty sharp to me. You used to use sharp objects to help yourself feel better when you were younger, didn't you? You've got the scars to prove that, too, right? So, why don't you do it now? You're already dead, what difference does it make? You remember how it used to feel. You listened to us back then, why not do it again now? Now you don't have to hide it from anyone. Who's going to know? Who's even going to care?" The voice was soft and sweet, almost motherly this time, instead of the harsh screeching that was so overbearing before. 

"N-no," he stammered. "I never heard fuckin' voices before. You're new. Get the fuck out of my head. Get out!" he screamed, wrapping his free arm around his legs to keep himself tucked in tighter.  

"We're not new, Josh. Here's a dirty little secret for you. You used to hear us when you were younger, you just didn't know it. It's just that we sounded like you back then. Now things are different. Besides, we won't hurt you. We can't hurt what doesn't exist," the matronly voice said again. 

"No! I exist! You don't!" Josh countered, waving the letter opener in front of himself again, making random stabs straight ahead and coming in contact with nothing, but also not expecting to. "FUCK!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!" 

"You know what to do to make all of this go away. Just like before. It'll be fine. Those old problems won't hurt you now, not like they did back then. They can't. Remember, you can't get hurt if you don't exist. Those nightmares of the man who shot and killed you? They won't happen any longer either. Just play along, Josh." That time it was a male voice, logical and firm. 

The singer took a deep breath. Fine. FINE. If that's what they wanted, that's what he would do. If that's what it would take to make things go back to normal again, he'd fucking do it. Josh nodded and raised his hand, the silver object shaking as he touched the edge to his arm, dragging the rounded, dull tip of the letter opener along his sleeve-covered forearm, wincing and hissing at the imaginary pain he thought he was causing for himself. He no longer had a numb immunity to the sting of metal tearing skin from skin in clean, thin lines, even ones that weren't real. He felt everything, just the same as he had when he was younger. "Th-there. I did it, n-now will you fucking go away?" Josh threw the letter opener across the room, cringing as it skittered across the floor and hit the wall with a loud thud. He wrapped his newly 'injured' arm around his legs, trembling badly and still praying to the universe to make everything stop. 

His response to the voices were met with silence for the first time since he'd been home. Josh had no idea how much time had passed since he'd first walked in the door, but he could no longer see his hand in front of his face in the darkness of his bedroom. The blond couldn't accept the idea that he was actually dead, settling for believing that he was still alive, but bleeding to death and he needed help or answers. At that point, he didn't care which. He just didn't want to die without anyone knowing. He didn't want to die alone. There was only one person that he could call who would, once again, be there for him without question. 

The singer reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, desperately hoping that his current lifeline was available and would pick up. The phone call was as desperate and incoherent as he expected it would be. Even before he dialed the phone, Josh, himself, couldn't understand what was going on, and when the call was answered, he couldn't get out the words he needed to say. Nothing he said was making sense, and he knew it. He was terrified out of his mind that the voices would come back before he could tell Matt that he needed help...again. "I can't... Matt... I need..." 

Matt promised to be there as soon as he possibly could. He begged the singer to stay on the line several times, but to no avail. Some sniffling and a quiet sob were the last things the blond managed to get out before hanging up the phone.