"A Sanctuary Safe and Strong"(Marianas Trench)

Chapter 39

By the time Matt paid the bill and they'd walked out of the building and down the three steps to the sidewalk, it was only a little after seven thirty p.m., but Josh's current nemesis was ready and waiting for him out there, providing the perfect backdrop for stars and potential predators. The blond bit at the inside of his cheek and swallowed hard before taking the final step off the curb and into the parking lot. He stuck as close as he could to Matt on the walk back to the car without making it seem too weird, willing his body not to do anything that might give him away. No trembling hands, no panic attacks, no falling to his knees and cowering at the sight of restaurant patrons appearing out of the shadows. 

Matt unlocked the car door and Josh all but flung himself into the passenger seat, holding his breath until the driver's side door was unlocked and the guitar player was climbing into the seat beside him. He clenched his teeth around the soft skin of the inside of his cheek even harder as he squeezed his fingers around the handle of the door until his knuckles were white. 

The brunet turned the car on and fiddled with the dial to the heater, turning it up to full blast and aiming it down at their feet until the temperature rose. He set his hands on the wheel before turning to Josh. "Not bad food for a place that looks like it should be condemned, right?" 

Locked safely inside the car, the blond started to relax, little by little. "Ha, right. I'll be sure to give you my honest opinion when my worst nightmare involves being more than three fucking feet away from any bathroom," volleyed Josh with a smile.  

Laughing, Matt flipped on the lights and put the car in gear, backing out of his space and maneuvering his way around the other vehicles behind him. "Fuck you." 

"...gently with a chainsaw?" the blond grinned. 

"Depends. Is the chainsaw running?" The guitar player pulled back out onto the highway, speeding much too quickly in the direction of Josh's condo for his liking. The joke died in the air when the blond stopped responding, focusing instead on the drive back to town. 

The shorter the distance got between the car and Josh's home, the more fidgety he became. He released the door handle to tug at the hem of his shirt or play with his hair. Resting his head against the glass window once, he stared through the windshield out into the yellowed fragments of tar illuminated by the headlights. They were back on well-traveled sections of road now with less than five minutes left of their journey. Josh pulled himself further up in the seat and crossed his arms, only to uncross them in the same movement. 

Unfortunately, he had momentarily forgotten about trying to hide the jitters he was now feeling, and Matt had noticed. "What's with you?" 

"What's with what, dude?" 

"You. You're twitchy all of a sudden." Matt changed lanes, glancing into the rear view mirror, then over his shoulder as he calmly weaved the car through the evening traffic that always accumulated downtown at this time of night. 

Josh shook his head, reaching a hand up to brush his hair out of his eyes, then pulling it back across his vision. He couldn't sit still and he couldn't get comfortable. "No, uh," he said, his voice a little more gritty than he was used to. "I'm fine." Stupid fucking logic told him that he'd be okay. Of course he'd be okay. But a small part of his mind flickered like an film, showing him crossing the threshold of his home and coming face to face with the same asshole who had tried to end his life once. He couldn't even put a face to the body that had assaulted him, but he didn't want a second chance to figure it out.  

Realistically, though, once Matt dropped him off, all he had to do walk up to the front door, pretend to enter the house and then run back to the parking lot toward his car again once the brunet took off. From there, he'd drive himself straight to the studio and settle in for the night. But, just the idea of being that close to the place that continually caused him to completely melt down made him want to rip away his suddenly restrictive clothing. Josh reached up to tug a bit at the cloth of his tshirt until his thumb grazed against the soft skin at the base of his neck. That gesture made him want to morbidly tear into it, to pull away thin strips of flesh, digging his fingertips into muscle in order to open up his throat until he could breathe a little more freely again. 

Matt slowed the car a bit when the red brake lights of the car in front of them lit up. Josh let the collar of his shirt go, dropping his hand down to his lap and blinking against the bright glare, eventually turning his head and staring out at the black silhouettes of the businesses that lined the road. Under the streetlights, the buildings cast long shadows out across the sidewalks, swallowing up the few pedestrians that crossed through the beams. "Hey, why don't you spend the night?" Matt asked out of the blue, giving the car a little more gas to keep momentum up the slight hill. 

Another night at Matt's. Another night at Matt's. It was a fucking disaster the first time around, and it was something he honestly didn't want to repeat. As much as Josh appreciated all the guitarist had originally done for him, and still continued to do, he really, really didn't want to spend any more of the darkest hours out of twenty-four in the younger man's home. If he was going to start seeing ghosts from his recent past and hearing things that weren't there, all of which were trying to trick him into believing he was a dead man, he wanted absolutely no part in the guitarist seeing that happen for a third time. "I...nah. Thanks, though," Josh answered simply without explanation. Putting his palms together, he tucked his fingers between his knees nervously. His hands had started to shake again and that was the only way he could think of to hide the problem. 

All too soon, Matt brought the car to a stop at the curb in front of the singer's building and Josh pulled his hands from his knees, dipping one into his pocket to pull out the key ring that he could feel digging into his hip. Please don't ask again, please don't ask again. No more lies, the blond feverishly hoped. 

"Are you sure? I just bought this really god-awful horror movie for practically nothing and I need someone to laugh at it with me." The brunet smiled, obvious as hell about trying to convince Josh to spend the night. It just wasn't going to work. 

Josh shook his head and pushed the door open, stepping out into the damp air. It felt like rain was in the forecast again, big fucking surprise. Fucking Vancouver. "I'm sure." He started to close the door before catching himself. "But, thanks." Slamming it and lifting his hand in a half-wave directed toward the brunet, he made his way up the sidewalk toward the front door of his condo. The blond could feel Matt's eyes on him as he stuck the key into the lock. Pushing the door inward, the stagnant air hit him as he turned back once more and waved again, a little more enthusiastically. Josh could swear that he saw Matt shake his head, but hurting the guitar player's feelings was kind of the last thing on his list to be concerned about for now.