WAY TOO IN DEEP

21

Mason
I'm not sure why I couldn't say anything to her, my body is enraged with all these emotions and I can barely keep up.

I ended up back at the old bar, but after a drink or two, it didn't feel right, I wasn't thinking straight. Why couldn't I tell her? Why was I suddenly tongue-tied?

The reality is, I am petrified of Amina and what she could do to my whole existence, I am hesitant when it comes to loving her but somehow I am undoubtedly, desperately, and permanently in love with her.

I never knew it was possible to so dangerously love someone, that life itself feels like it's unbearable in the midst of all that love, just the knowledge of knowing that it will end, because everything does. End. Makes me question the entirety of my love for her. I am not sure if it's enough.

I'm petrified of Amina because she's the only person in this whole wide universe that could kill me without physically ending my life, I'd be a dead man walking.

I was driving around with no destination, I would have never thought she'd be the one to tell me she was in love with me, that scenario never crossed my mind, and all the times that I've thought about that very moment, it was always me declaring my love to her, I didn't prepare myself for this. I didn't get to rehearse a line or a speech, maybe that's why I was speechless.

The sun was peeking up from behind the morning clouds, and I was still on the road driving, far away from her.

She was in love with me? She said it without a crack in her voice, she said it so loud and clear.

How is it humanly possible to feel all these things but don't know how to communicate them out loud? My very soul belongs to that woman, and I couldn't tell her I've given myself away to her a long time ago.

My mind was racing with questions and made-up answers and more questions.

I thought back to that night when my sister died, Amina was the first one to be at my doorsteps, with tears running down her cheeks and her whole body shaking.

As soon as I open the door she was tightly holding me in her arms without a single word she held me for hours, wiping my tears away when she had to.

My sister Jaylen was walking home from basketball practice the day she died, just like she did every other day, doing the week after school.

She was so confident back then that basketball was her calling, at only fifteen she was already six feet, she was the best on her team, so everyone around was as confident as she was.

But that day some idiot decided he wasn't going to stop at a stop sign and flung Jaylen's body into open traffic. We couldn't even have an open casket funeral for her, she was too "unrecognizable" as Pops put it back then.

Throughout all that Amina was there, being my backbone, that's when I realized how in love I was with her.

Then two years after that, my first year of college, I lost my Pops due to a sudden cardiac arrest, I later found out he was suffering from severe physical stress, which was what triggered his heart attack.

Only being seventeen and a junior in high school back then, Amina drove six hours that day to come to see me, she dropped everything just to be by my side and again to be my backbone.

She watched me as I attempt to drink away all the pain and hurt, and all she ever said was
"I got you, Mason." Without a single ounce of judgment. What I have with her I don't have with anyone else.

I was heading back to her because she needs to know all these things, it's selfish of me to not tell her how my heart literally beats for her.

If I can't say it out loud I'd have to find a way to show her.

I impatiently push on the elevator button, like somehow the doors are going to close faster. I sprinted down the hallway till I reach the door.

The house was eerily quiet when I walked it, the TV wasn't even on. I hurried up the stairs skipping some steps.

" Amina listen..." I was out of breath when I busted through the bedroom door.

I look around the room, the bed was perfectly made, clean towels were neatly folded on top of it. I look over at the empty wide open closet.

No. I thought, frantically running back down the stairs yelling out her name, not wanting to believe what was happening.

She left. She left me.

I quickly pull my phone out of my pocket. One single miss call from her, four hours ago. I tried calling back but it went straight to voicemail. I angrily hit the call back button again, and just like before it went straight to voicemail, without a single ring.

This is what I was afraid of. Her finally walking away.

The worst part is I didn't know who to call or where she could be, I couldn't chase her no matter how much I want to.

I let the feeling of loneliness consumes me right there in the middle of the living room.

I didn't just lose Amina, I just lost my entire life.