WAY TOO IN DEEP

25

Amina

Almost three months later
"You're too energetic today," I said rubbing my almost six months pregnant belly. It still amazes me how big I've gotten these past three months.

It's crazy how my life has completely taken a shift in only a small amount of time, I look around my almost furnished two-bedroom apartment and took a deep breath.

I managed to finish all classes online, with extra motivation from Mama and my newfound blessing. Even though I didn't get to walk across the stage like I originally planned to, I still felt like all my hard work paid off.

I've thought about what mama told me three months ago, to tell Mason about the baby, but I couldn't do it right there and then. I needed time to put my feelings aside, I needed time to be without him and I still need time.

After I left he wouldn't stop calling for days on, and I would sit there and watch the phone ring. I know it was selfish of me, and every day I felt guilty, but I felt like I deserved to be selfish.

I'm pregnant and hurting. I felt unwanted and unloved by the only man I ever fell for. I didn't want to hear his voice, I didn't want his stupid apologies, I didn't want his friendship. So I changed my number.

Yet I still miss him. Just because we don't talk doesn't mean he's not constantly on my mind. I'm just trying to distance myself because I know I can't have him.

I look down at the pile of unfolded baby clothes in front of me on the couch and smiled. After finding out I was having a boy I went a little crazy with the shopping.

The ringtone of my phone startled me a little, I look at it and saw it was Jas, she's the only one I've been in contact with since I move back here.

"Hey, Jas," I said in a giggly tone.

"He's here again." She quickly said, and I know exactly who she's talking about.

"Really?" I ask biting down my bottom lip.

"Yes girl, that boy is out here looking lost and miserable." Jas has been calling me every time Mason would come into the diner, at first he used to ask for me, but he stopped about month or so ago. Now he would just come in, ask for a cup of coffee and observe.

I didn't tell Jas I was pregnant, cause I know she'd have something to say. I simply told her things got too complicated with Mason and I had to move back home, and she went with it.

"He'll be fine," I mumbled, looking down at my stomach.

"I don't know what happened between y'all but that man is slowly dying Amina." She was being so dramatic.

"I don't know about all that Jas," I said, wobbling to the kitchen to get something to eat.

"He's like the man who can't be move." She whispered.

"It's been months and he still comes in here every day waiting for you to somehow appear." She continues.

I didn't know what to say. I miss Mason but I personally didn't feel ready to go back to talking to him, I needed time, I know if I were to let him back into my life, while I'm dealing with all these emotions, our relationship was bound to end up somewhat toxic.

I didn't want that, I didn't want that for our unborn child, I wanted us to be cordial down the line but I can't help how I feel right now.

"I'm not ready to talk to him yet," I reply, subconsciously rubbing my belly.

"I know girl, I just feel bad for him, he looks like a sad little puppy, waiting for his owner to get home," Jas said in a cooing tone. 

"He'll be fine," I whispered again.

"Well, girl I got to go duty calls." She said, hanging up before I could say anything else.

I look down at the phone and then at my belly, then at the phone again.

"He'll be fine," I whispered one last time to myself.

****

|One week later|
I was happy to finally get a job as a pediatric nurse at a small local pediatrician office, it mostly consists of taking head-to-toe physical exams of grade school kids, but it was something.

I initially wanted to work at a hospital but they recommend that I get more experience before they could even consider hiring me, that's what every employer suggested and it certainly didn't help that I was big-belly pregnant, so in a way, I was beyond grateful.

"Go ahead and step on the scale for me sweety," I said to the five-year-old pigtailed girl in front of me.

"Are you pregnant?" She casually asks as she follows my instructions and stepped right on the scale.

"Yes, I am." I smile down at her recording her weight on the physical paper.

"Huh," She was looking at my swollen stomach.

"Does it hurt?" She asks pointing at it.

"Not necessarily," I answered with a giggle, mentioning her towards the tachometer, so I could also record her height.

"Wow, look at you, three feet and seven inches," I exclaimed with a big smile, giving her a high five. That was pretty average for a five-year-old girl, but I wanted to stir our conversation in another direction.

"I guess drinking milk does help," She mumbles not as excited as I was.

I confidently nodded agreeing with her.

"So how did it happen?" She asks peering up at me.

"How did what happen?" I was confused.

"That! silly," She explains pointing at my belly again. I look down at my belly and back at her sweet curious face.

"I woke up one day and boom!" I shrugged laughing, which wasn't a complete lie, that's how it kind of happened for me.

"You didn't have to kiss a boy?" She questioned with a disgusted expression on her face, as she tries to tie her shoes.

"It was a little more complicated than that." I kneeled down, helping her with her laces.

"Doesn't sound that complicated to me." That little girl was too chatty for me, I wasn't trying to slip up and say the wrong things or say too much.

"Does that mean, I'm going wake up one day and boom?" She asks looking down at her little stomach, and I smiled.

"Probably, when you're married, and much, much older," I said, getting ready to take her vital signs.

"Are you married?" She was so quick to ask.

"No," I replied honestly taking her temperature. I can't believe I was having this conversation with a five-year-old girl.

"Then why do I have to be married?" She was looking up at me as if I had all the answers.

"It's better that way." I smiled at her.

"My mom and dad are married, but my mom is always sad." She looks down fidgeting with the hem of her bright yellow dress.

"I don't want to be married, I want to be like you, not married." she continued, smiling up at me with her two missing front teeth.

I wasn't sure what to say, so I nodded smiling, back at her.