Hopelessly Obsessed (KomaHina)

7: Tears

Chiaki's POV:

The walk back home is relatively long, and I don't think it's worth the effort to distract myself during that time. I couldn't get those images out of my mind. Every time I go to visit, it never gets any better. He smiles for me whilst I'm there, but it never feels real. Talking to the people he's surrounded by makes me realize just how horrible some people have it. It's draining to be caught in so many people's messes. Most of the people there are younger than him, too. Far too young to have seen, heard and went through the things they did. It makes me feel guilty every time I get upset, like I shouldn't feel sad over trivial things because so many people have to feel much worse pain every day. But I guess that's like feeling bad every time you're hungry just because there are people who never have anything to eat.

I've skipped the entire day of school, even though I wasn't visiting him the whole day. I knew from experience I would need time beforehand to prepare, and time after to recover. I open my phone to check the time. School has definitely ended by now. Then I notice all the messages my friends have sent me. They were all really worried, it seems. I normally tell them if I am going to miss school but this time I just didn't have to energy. But one message that sticks out to me is from Komaeda, asking me if I'm alright.

That's strange. I really didn't think he cared about me. I'm always the one who initiates our interactions and he's always the one who ends them. He seems overall disinterested in making friends with any of his classmates. It sometimes feels like he wouldn't care if one or two of them died. All I know is there's more to him than meets the eye. Smiling to myself lightly, I decide to send him a reply before anyone else.

Nagito's POV:

"W-Well, at least we know she's okay..." I say as I open the message. "Don't say that until you've read it..." Hinata-kun murmured in response.

Komaeda: Hey, haven't seen you all day. You kind of just disappeared. Are you alright?

Nanami: I'm fine. I know I usually tell you guys when I'm not going to be at school, but I forgot today. I just wasn't feeling well, that's all.

I showed the text to Hinata-kun. "Oh, so she was sick," he said, relieved. "I guess we all overreacted then, haha." His attention turned back to his ice-cream. He seems to have let it go, but...but I can't just brush off the feeling that something happened. Maybe it's me being anxious, but...but still. It's so out of character for Nanami-san. She normally doesn't seem so emotionless. It's hard to tell over text, and I'm terrible with emotions anyway, but the feeling is just so persistent.

Something terrible happen and she's lying about it...and it's all your fault.

I push my palm into my forehead as if I have a headache, trying to silence the thought. She was just sick...why can't I accept that?

It's because you want bad things to happen to people.

No, no it's not. I recall something my therapist told me: "A bad person wouldn't be so worried if they were a bad person or not."

You're just pretending to be worried.

I know these are just thoughts, but I'm tired of them. I'm tired of this. I wish they would all just go away. Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I be a normal person, who steps on leaves and cracks, uses pencils and eats whatever ice-cream flavour they want and doesn't worry about it? I don't think I'll ever be like that. It doesn't feel like I'll ever have a life, like this will ever go away. I'll just be trapped, tortured and fearful of my own mind forever and ever. And there's nothing I can do about it.

As much as I try to hold them back, tears spill out of my eyes, down my cheeks and into my empty ice-cream cup.

The chair you're sitting on right now will make Soda-kun die in a car accident.

I spring out of my chair, breathing raggedly, now crying uncontrollably. Hinata-kun looks up with confusion at my sudden movement, but when he sees my tears, his expression changes to a gentle look of concern. "Komaeda? What's wrong?"

I can't speak, I don't want to speak. I don't want to lie anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. I just want it to stop. I can't do this anymore.

I meet his gaze, and I realize how confused he must be. My strange behaviors of counting, avoidance, checking, and all those other things must be so foreign to him. He's probably never thought that sitting on a chair would kill his classmate. Even if I told him, there's no way he'd get it. I don't know what to say to Hinata-kun, so I opt to say nothing. I slowly back away from the table, then turn on my heal to leave. I know I'm probably stepping on so many cracks and leaves as I hastily walk, but all I want is to get away from Hinata-kun. As I turn the corner to disappear from his sight, I glance at his expression one last time. He looks...confused, but curious and desperate to find out what's wrong with me. A look of a concerned friend who desperately wants to help a crying, hurting person.

Stupid Hinata-kun, there's nothing that can be done to help me. This pain, these tears...they're here for life.

A/N: Sorry for the short chapter, and this one's a little darker than the others. I just thought it was important to show how serious OCD is (since Nagito was already having a bad day with his OCD). OCD is a serious disorder. It's not fun, it's not quirky or fluffy, it's not something you want to have. It's not liking things neat or in colour/alphabetical order because it's "satisfying". It's a debilitating illness that makes people suffer so much. It's being terrified of your own brain, and everything around you. It's constant intrusive thoughts. It's feeling horrible and weird. So please, keep that in mind next time you go to say you're "so OCD". So this doesn't end on a heavy note, "musa sapientum" is the Latin name for banana which means "fruit of the wise men".