Hopelessly Obsessed (KomaHina)

12: Candle

Nagito's POV:

Walking out of school with Hinata-kun and Nanami-san, there's a pep in my step that wasn't there before. I have...friends! People who care about me...That's a feeling I haven't felt in forever. But for today, I hope to not have a repeat of the ice-cream incident. I don't want to break down crying in front of both of them, just one was embarrassing enough.

"Just don't do anything stupid," I think to myself, as we round a corner, we must be close to our destination by now.

Click your fingers six times on each hand, left first, or Hinata-kun and Nanami-san will drop dead.

I can hear Hinata-kun and Nanami-san talking to each other, but their conversation is blurred out by this thought. Drop...dead? That's...vague. One might think the vagueness of the thought would make me doubt it more, but the uncertainty scares me. Dropping dead could be anything. But...this is an OCD thought. So nothing would happen if I didn't do as it said. So I won't.

We take about ten more steps before the voice speaks again.

Six times. Each hand. Left first. I'm just trying to protect your friends, you wouldn't want anything bad to happen to them...would you?

N-No, but... It's just a thought. It's only saying that because it knows it scares me. But...I'm not backing down. No, shut up.

I close my eyes for a few seconds, even though I know it's dangerous to walk with your eyes closed, but me tripping is the least of my worries right now. When I open my eyes, I glance up at Nanami-san. She looking at Hinata-kun, smiling.

(TW: Intrusive thoughts about hurting people, mentions of strangulation.)

What if you strangled her?

I-I'm sorry, what?

What if you strangled her right now, like this?

Flashing before my eyes now is a rather graphic image. Grabbing Nanami-san by the throat, tightening my grip as her eyes widen, Hinata-kun scream for me to stop. The tears falling down her cheeks as her face loses colour.

(TW Over)

The thought has tears forming in the corner of my eyes, that's horrible, I would never even think of doing that to Nanami-san.

But you just did. Is that why you aren't saving her right now?

Shut...up...shut...up... I hear her laugh in the background of my thoughts, and I just can't do that to her. Sighing in defeat, I softly click my fingers on my left six times, followed by my right.

Louder.

Not even bothering to argue, I do it again, swiftly, and loud enough to get Nanami-san and Hinata-kun's attention. They stop talking and look over at me. "Komaeda?" Hinata-kun speaks up, "Are you alright?" He glances to Nanami-san in a confused way, but she says nothing. "Y-Yeah..." My voice comes out low and croaky, so I try again. "Y-Yeah, I'm okay. Sorry."

"Oh, okay then," Hinata-kun says awkwardly as my cheeks heat up with embarrassment, "Well, we're almost there, but if you need anything, let us know, okay?" His tone is soft and comforting. "Mm-hmm," I hum, trying to smile at him.

After a few seconds of awkward pause, they're conversation starts back up again. Just my luck that this kind of thing would happen just after I tell myself not to do anything stupid. I'm also mad at myself for giving in to the thought, but something my therapist had said came back to me.

Flashback:

"You know Komaeda," my therapist says softly, "When you do exposures by yourself for homework, most people find that they don't manage to not do their compulsion." I look up at him with confusion, "Isn't the whole point not to do the compulsion?"