Hopelessly Obsessed (KomaHina)

18: Silence

(A/N: One thing I want to make really clear before this next chapter starts is that people with OCD aren't violent and I'm not trying to stereotype with the last chapter. Compulsions that involve things that can be dangerous to the person themselves or others do exist, though. This doesn't reflect who the person is. Nagito thought he was just pushing Hajime a bit, but he accidently pushed him into the street (it could've been his bad luck). So yeah. Just wanted to clear that up. Sorry for the wait on this chapter, and enjoy!

Nagito's POV:

I'm pacing around my room, trying to stop hyperventilating and crying. I can't believe what I just did. The voice just said to push him, but...but I pushed him into the road by accident. I nearly killed him. And the voice wouldn't shut up since, as if the guilt wasn't bad enough.

You tried to kill him.

He did nothing to you.

He was so nice to you, yet you tried to kill him.

He knows what you're really like now.

You're a monster.

No-one could ever love you.

(TW: Very dark thought.)

You should just die, no-one would care anyway.

(TW Over.)

"N-No...please..." I whisper between sobs, into the emptiness of my house, "S-Stop..."

There's blood on your hands, did you really think Hinata-kun would ever want to hold them?

I look around my bedroom. To the bed, where my mother would tuck me in every night. To the corner where I used to build pillow forts with my father. To my desk, where a framed photo of the three of us sits. I killed them, there's blood on my hands. I collapse onto the ground, the plane crash that ended their lives (that I caused) flashing before my eyes.

If your parents could speak to you right now, they'd tell you how worthless you are. They'd tell you how wrong they were to ever show affection to you.

I wonder what my therapist would say if he saw me right now. See, I didn't go to therapy last week or the week before. I know I should. I know he could probably help me, but...

You don't deserve help. All you deserve is pain and suffering.

(TW: Dark thoughts.)

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of this. It never stops. I know Nanami-san said I shouldn't give up, but it's just constant. I can't deal with this anymore. I just want it all to be over. I've been thinking about it and I don't know what to do. I'm scared that I'm thinking this way. Because I thought it was getting better. I wanted to be with Hinata-kun forever, but I've definitely blown it with him. I pushed away all of my friends. Now I'm completely alone.

I don't want to be alone.

So what's the point?

(TW Over.)

My body is shaking as I sob alone on the floor. I'm hurting all over (I tripped on the stairs on the way up an had too many compulsions about hitting my arms and legs into things) and the voice in my head won't be quiet. I pull my hood over my head (I changing into a hoodie and pants when I got home because that uniform is starting to feel like a straitjacket) and close my eyes. Just as I do this however, I hear the doorbell ring.

I don't move. Even if it's the mailman or something, I don't want to get up. If it is the mailman, he can leave it at the door. If it's anyone else, they can go away.