Hopelessly Obsessed (KomaHina)

27: Doubt

Nagito's POV:

My eyes gently flutter open. Which is strange because that would suggest I closed them at some point, which I have no memory of doing.

Morning light shines from the window behind me, and the clock reads 7:10am. I look up to see Hajime, still asleep, whose arms are wrapped around my waist. He looks so peaceful when he's asleep. He's always kind of tense when he's awake, which would make sense given all he's going through. But he's completely relaxed like this. It...makes me kind of happy.

I slowly wriggle out of Hajime's arms and get up so I'm kneeling on the bed. I lean over him to turn the lamp off, mostly because it's a waste of power but also because the thought of a fire hazard is slowly starting to consume my mind.

I don't feel like laying down again, so I opt to sit cross-legged next to Hajime as he sleeps. I wouldn't say I watch him, I just glance over at him every once in a while. He's cute. I can't help it.

My life has really gotten a lot better since meeting him. I mean, it's not like much has changed, I'm still very mentally unwell, it's just...well, I'm not alone anymore. It's really hard to go through all this when you have no-one to turn to. I've always thought that my life had no meaning and that no-one would ever want me around, but Hajime has proven me wrong. If that thought was wrong, maybe the thought I'll never get better will be wrong too. Maybe the thought that I'll never be happy will be wrong too. I guess...he was the hope I was looking for all along.

Strangle him.

...Well, that wholesome moment was short-lived.

(TW: Severe Harm OCD stuff from here and slight SH warning, as well as some dissociation and flashbacks.)

What if you've secretly wanted to this whole time? What if the only reason you got close to him was so he'd let his guard down and you could choke him until he died? What if you'd secretly enjoy that?

I know that's not true.

I know that's not true, but...

But maybe it really is. Maybe I've spent so long trying to convince myself that it's not, but it really is. I can pretend it's a lie as much as I want, but at the end of the day, the truth doesn't care what you think. I know I'm just a piece of trash who ruins everything and brings misfortune everywhere he goes, so it wouldn't be out of character. What if today is the day I finally snap? I know parts of my ideology have been violent at times, even though I wasn't thinking straight, doesn't that prove it?

Before I realize it, my breathing's picking up and everything starts to feel fuzzy.

I don't want to hurt him, I don't but...

What if you do? What if your fast breathing and this fuzzy feeling is a sign you're about to snap?

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill him. I don't want to, but I know I'm going to. What should I do? What can I do? What's wrong with me?

I glance over at him one last time and I see it. My hands around his throat. Him waking up in a panic. The betrayal in his eyes as the life leaves his body.

...I can't do this anymore.

As quickly as I can, I jump up off the bed and run out of the room, accidentally slamming the door behind me. I trip on the last step as I run down the stairs and fall in a heap on the floor.

My body stings everywhere from the impact and my brain is starting to catch up with my sudden movements, I feel even more foggy and out of my own body.

I can't hurt him if I'm nowhere near him.

I can't hurt him if I'm nowhere near him.

I can't hurt him if I'm nowhere near him.