Do you take thee...?

Decisions

I made the right choice obviously. My career came before my love life. I have always been able to say this since the only form of love I've ever had is the one night stand I had when I irresponsibly travelled through Europe and even then there was only one. A very hunky, handsome, Italian man that offered to pay for my whole meal and then take me to his home. But after seeing his name appear on my phone, my heart sunk and I didn't know what to expect at all. Was he going to tell me where he had been? Or did he just want me to do his dirty work?

I walked into Derek's office, to see him sat there with his head in his hands. All the hate I had towards him from not calling me or even trying to communicate, had quickly rushed out of my mind and out the window. He looked so helpless and his eyes, those eyes, the McDreamy eyes, started right into my soul like they once had before. I knew just from his posture and the tone of his voice, that he was not in a good place and all that I wanted to do was hug him and let him know things would be okay, even though I didn't actually know what was wrong with him.

'I have a craniotomy booked in OR 2. Would you like to join me? I have already spoken to your resident so you're free if you like.'

He was being so weird. He didn't even say 'hi' or even mention my name and I couldn't work out if he was being flirtatious or if he was genuinely just asking me to scrub in.  I obviously agreed however I promised myself that the feelings I had for him were not going to overtake in the OR. I was there to learn and learn only. The craniotomy was scheduled for 2 pm and it was currently 1:30 in the afternoon, so that gave me enough time to gather my thoughts and obviously tell Cristina what had just happened.

2 pm rolled around and I made my way into the OR having my last thoughts about Derek before I cleared my mind to learn. I stuck to my promise and kept my eyes and thoughts on the surgery the whole time, except once when I looked up only to find Dr Shepherd staring lustfully at me. He had clearly had his eyes on me for a while but I just kept going and we finished the surgery successfully. The patient was taken to recovery and both Derek and I went to scrub out. I made the first bout of conversation and asked confidently why hadn't he called me or been there on my first day. He took a short while to reply but eventually he came up with an explanation of what had happened but very vaguely. He told me that his sister had been admitted to hospital after having an overdose and his mother asked him to come. I couldn't exactly be angry at him anymore because it was obvious that it had been a hard time for him and his family but I was still upset that I hadn't been able to see him on my first day.

About 2 hours passed and we both found ourselves stood directly next to each other in an elevator with a few more people stood in front of us. It was apparent that Derek was feeling some sort of way as I felt his large hand take a grasp of my thigh and slowly squeeze before he dragged it further up my leg, beginning to pass the lower middle portion of my body. I winced and gently flinched as I felt his hand move further up my front which clearly made him aware I was uncomfortable. Not of what he was doing but where he had chosen to do it. Both our heads remained front forward until I felt his arm, the arm that I had once sutured and glared in temptation at, slide around my waist from the front, pulling me closer to him which I couldn't really get. At this point our heads both turned towards each other. Him smiling cheekily and mine still having a slight look of what the heck is happening. The elevator bell chimed and people started to flow out of and in the elevator. Before Derek walked out he quickly squeezed my waist and gave me a look of reassurance.

Another 3 hours had passed and I had not seen Derek once. The little event that happened earlier was the only thing on my mind for the rest of the day which I swore to myself would not happen, yet it did. I was so mesmerised by his eyes and his smile and the way he made me feel safe, which I never had before, that all I wanted was to see him again. Why was I, Meredith Grey, actually wanting to see someone so badly, especially a man, that I let it overtake my medical thoughts. As I was coming to the end of my shift, I heard Derek's voice in the corridor from the intern's lounge. my heart was fluttering and I genuinely thought that I was going to fall to my knees at the sound of his voice. His voice started to become less audible and my heart was yearning for more but I knew, along with everyone else in the hospital, that he was with board members. I made my way to the elevator to go home and found myself looking up to see those eyes again. I gave a little smile to rest of the people in the space and walked to the back of the lift with my head down not making eye contact with Derek but slightly brushing my hand past his.

My turn. I stood at the back of the space knowing I only had about a minute to make him feel the same way I did. I took my hand and slowly dragged it up the back of his thigh, whilst he was talking to the board members. Knowing that he couldn't stop in the middle of his sentence and that he couldn't make any sudden movements, he just edged his leg forward slightly so that my hand was no longer touching his hamstring. That didn't stop me though. I carried on with my hand once again touching his legs and moving further up to his back past his arse which made him flinch a little bit. I kept my hand on his back and shoulders, every now and then squeezing his back muscles which you could make out from the outside of his shirt. Finally, sliding my whole arm around his waist like he had to mine. Slipping my fingers through the front gaps in between his shirt buttons, he placed his hand on top of mine before the elevator dinged and he flashed me a quick grin before heading out.

On my way driving home in the car, all I could think about was those two moments. Not even the fat that I had scrubbed in on my first ever craniotomy. Those were feelings that I didn't know I wanted repeated until I did.