Do you take thee...?

Desperation

'Ok, let's get her on a gurney and someone tell the OR we're coming up!' 

I had awoke once again from the unconscious state that I was in, hearing all these doctors screaming orders at one and other, people moving other people out of the way, trying to attach multiple different pieces of equipment to my damaged body. I felt submerged by every ounce of pain that was encasing my body and my initial reaction to the mania was to start heavily breathing, which I wasn't able to succeed at since my ribs were crushed, squashing my lungs and I was intubated, from having not breathed for a while. My body was so broken and destroyed that whenever I was rolled over any imperfection on the ground, I would feel excruciating pain cover every inch of me. Deafening screams could be heard from throughout the hallway and as I hadn't yet processed much of the situation, I believed they were Derek's screams. All my thoughts were on my pain and his. He wasn't okay. Something clicked in my brain providing me with the knowledge and memory of Derek's lifeless body. He couldn't be the one moaning in pain. The intubation had been removed but only now had I actually realised that I was the victim screaming. What seemed like years yet in another way felt like seconds to me, passed and before I knew it, I was being knocked out with anaesthesia and drugs now freely moving throughout my veins. 

'Okay, let's monitor her closely and top her up on pain meds.'

'Meredith? Hi.' Bailey's voice was about the most soothing I had ever heard her be and her tone was so empathetic. It sent shivers down my spine being able to hear clearly again. I was admiring the view of a hospital room as crazy as that is but I was so grateful to be in a quiet, clean place where there wasn't any debris or ash or the smell of burnt metal and plastic. Instead I could smell the fumes of the sanitised trays and appliances that were keeping me alive. 

'Meredith, we had to remove your spleen and part of your liver. You had major bleeding when in surgery and that compromised your health. We did a post-op MRI when you were still unconscious and you have a small brain bleed. We aren't worrying about it yet because fortunately it is very minor. Meredith you are incredibly luckily to be in the state your in. It could've been much much worse as you probably know but we are going to keep an eye on you. You have multiple broken bones throughout your whole body including your ribs and your collarbone. These breaks caused your lung to collapse as well as the impact from Dr Shepherd falling on top of you but like I said we are going to monitor you very closely and you just need to listen to us and do as your told for once.' Bailey adding the 'for once' to the end of her sentence made a huge change to the information. I felt protected and normal for a split second.

My mind hadn't even had a glance of Derek after I had woken from surgery. Everything was just piled onto me all at once and I didn't have any time to think about anything other than myself. How could I be so selfish? To not think about the person who saved my life. I needed to see him. Thank him. Tell him it was going to be okay. I needed to tell him we were going to be okay.

'I need to see Derek now. Take me to Derek!' I ordered to the nurses whilst trying my hardest to move out of my current position. I had thankfully regained enough strength to shout at he nurses and enough to swing my legs around to the side of the bed and attempt to walk. Even though my thoughts hadn't been logical for a while, this one was and I decided against actually trying to get on my feet. 

'Dr Grey, you need to lie down.'

'Take me to him now!'

Bailey came marching back in after seeing the chaos I was causing with the nurses. 

'Meredith, sit your arse back down in the bed right now. You might be a patient but you are also still my intern and if you are gonna speak to the nurse like an intern, I'm damn well gonna treat you like one.' I could tell she was saying all of this out of her best interest for me and her words comforted me slightly but still I was going to see him whether she said I could or couldn't.

Tears now glazed over my eyes. I had my head tilted slightly left still staring her in the eyes, as if I were a French Bulldog tilting its head to the side, curious as to what is happening and giving puppy dog eyes. My emotions were clear through my eyes. Those built up tears now making their way down my face being soaked up by the bed sheets as they fell and the gauze that was plastered over my cuts. I was desperate for him. 

Barely being able to catch my breath from a mixture of balling and shouting at the nurse, I cried 'I just need to see him Dr Bailey. I need to know he's okay for myself.'

'Meredith, h-he, e-ermm, he... he didn't ma-' I knew inevitably what was coming. I threw my head back into my pillow, tears falling like Niagara Falls. All I could think of was the state I saw him in last. His blood covered face, placed gently in my chest, him asleep and his head moving up down from the movement of my chest. His hand still reached up, wrapped around my head, protecting me. All of his problems and his thoughts, his body weight and his emotions, all on top of me. 

'Bailey, no!' Webber had heard Bailey and came flying around the corner, running into my room trying to calm me down and giving me a reassuring look. 

'Meredith, he's out of surgery. I'll take you to him. Come on.' 

Every bit of relief filled my body although he was barely alive. I cried now for his pain as well as my own. Moving into the wheelchair hurt me so bad. Bailey came around telling me to take a break. 

Still whimpering I made it very clear to her that that was not happening. 

'I'm going!' She took my arm giving me support and stabilising me as I moved from the bed to the chair.