Do you take thee...?

Remorse

I pulled up my car into the driveway and just sat there. I listened to the radio which mustn't have got the memo that I didn't want to hear any love songs or mine and Derek's songs because I decided to cry into my steering wheel listening to all those songs that the radio had started playing. I hated the fact that I wasn't sad about mine and Marcus' breakup because he didn't ever done anything wrong but I really wasn't bothered. I cried for Derek. I cried for him knowing that he was in love with me and that had I not left him the first time there's a high chance we would have still been together to this day and I wouldn't have to listen to our love songs alone. He was the love of my life and I hated to admit that too because I couldn't have him. He chose them over us. After at least 30 minutes of doing nothing but sobbing in my drive, I picked up my bag from the passenger seat, opened my car door and rummaged around for my keys before walking inside to an empty house. There was so much negative energy that engulfed that house now and whenever I walked in a certain spot in the house I would recall only the memories of Derek and I. The bottom step of the staircase, where he had lifted my into his arms and gave me the biggest hug when I came down from upstairs and realised he had brought me my favourite strawberry ice cream. The front door where I would look for my keys and I would feel his hand on my back as I did. Everywhere reminded me of him. I needed to get out of Seattle as soon as possible.

14 Days Later 

I managed to get to Florida easy than I imagined and thankfully when I arrived I had a full day to catch up on sleep and any errands that I needed to do before starting on the new intern programme the next day. When I say sleep, none of that really happened because my mind was so crazy and nothing would relax in my head. Thoughts were running frantically around my brain. Regrets, disbeliefs, gratitude and ease. There were so many mixed feelings that I was experiencing that it was impossible for me to focus on anything. I got lost in a world I didn't want to be in, one night, and I cried and cried for hours upon hours thinking about how much of a mess my life was. The first night I arrived, I probably shouldn't have done this seen as though I had no hours of sleep in me, I just drove around the city at 3am in the morning hoping that I would be given any sign that things were going to be okay for me. That I was going to become a world renowned surgeon and marry someone that I knew I was going to love for the rest of my life. But I knew that last one wasn't going to happen because I was still so caught up on Derek and no matter how angry I was at him, and I still was, I would just think about the times where I never wanted our connection and touch to end. I thought about those times to make up for the anger I felt because I knew it hurt me more to be furious at him. Hating him was the most exhausting. 

I hadn't had any phone calls from anyone. Not Forbes. Not Cristina. Not Derek. Not one single phone call and I felt lost. In myself and in a world I didn't know. I got up out of my chair the next morning still having had no sleep whatsoever and curing the exhaustion with multiple cups of coffee. I went to work. Fearing the day so much more than I had my first day at Mercy West or at Seattle Grace, I went straight to the intern's locker room. It couldn't have been more different from previous one I had practically lived in. Nothing was the same at all and everyone already hated me because they knew that I had already gotten special treatment being allowed into the programme so late, so I was pretty much of to the worst start and my day only got worse from there. I had watched 3 patients die in front of me, thankfully not because of me but still, it was heart wrenching to watch those family members come in and cry over their loved ones dead bodies. I was only reminded of those moments when I cried over Derek's somewhat dead body and begged for him to be okay so that we would be okay. 

I finished my first day and couldn't be more grateful to be home, in my bed. I thankfully also managed to get some sleep this night because I think my body just purely could not run anymore if I didn't get some sleep. Even if it was only 4 hours. I had been awake for so long that I only needed 4 hours of sleep to feel pretty energised again. My body had clearly realised that if I could manage nearly 3 days without one ounce of sleep then I only would need a small bit to run again. I dreaded this next day at work. I hated it with every centimetre of my body. I regretted moving here. I regretted taking this internship and I felt the most remorse for even changing intern programmes from Mercy West to Seattle Grace. If I hadn't none of this would have ever happened and I wouldn't be where I was right now. But on the other hand I was so thankful to myself for actually transferring the first time because I got to experience those moments with him and I would cherish them forever knowing I would never see him again or feel his arms wrapped around my waist. Or his hair over my shoulder, squeezing me and making me feel so secure and safe. I would never feel his breathe on my cheek again or his lips locked in mine. 

I was deprived of any communication and talk. I hadn't even wanted to make an effort with the interns at the Florida hospital and nobody had even called me from home. Until, I was picking up my last cup of coffee out of the machine and my phone rang. My heart flew through my chest and my stomach dropped. I released my coffee, which splashed all over the floor and up my cream coloured trousers and I picked up the phone, reluctantly answering,

'Hi-'