Bulla Aurea Puerorum

Why

Why

"Wait." 

It was after the the game, and I was alone. I had waited outside the showers for almost half an hour for Eddie, before I decided to head back to the warmth of the Castle. There would be a party tonight, as Hufflepuff had won 200-190 points. Thanks to Frank saving the game. Eddie hadn't been playing his best.

I turned around at the voice, the rain still coming down around me. My hair was curling from the wet, and I shivered as I pulled my coat tighter around me.

"Eddie!" I smiled at him. It took me a moment to notice the green tinge to his face. "Are you alright?"

He gulped, and stepped toward me. If I hadn't been so crazy for Ginny, I think my heart would've stopped. He was still in his Quidditch uniform, his hair wet from playing in the rain, his face blushed from the freezing wind. He was definitely growing fast, at least a couple inches taller than he'd been at the beginning of the year. His eyes shone bright against his pale and freckled skin.

"I really need to talk to you. " He almost whispered. My heart plummeted into my stomach. That was never a good thing.

"Er- okay," 

He took a deep breath, and looked down into my eyes. Nervous backflips. I thought of Ginny, to calm the unreasonable amount of panic that was flooding me. We stared into each other's eyes for a long time, his jaw clenching and releasing over and over again. After a few moments, he unstuck his mouth and tried to speak. Whatever he was trying to say seemed to be stuck in his throat.

"I'm in love with you, Ophelia. And I have been, for so long." He finally choked out.

His eyes nervously fluttered to the ground and back to mine as a deep flush covered his cheeks and tears came to his eyes.

It felt like my heart had thrown up.

He had a blazing look in his eyes, a mixture of grief, regret, longing. All of these things balled up into one great mess of emotion. 

I looked down from his eyes, trying to take in what he'd told me. I knew of course, from Lucy and I's fight in October. But that didn't stop my heart from aching with surprise and regret. I didn't want to break my vow of never, ever, hurting this beautiful boy. This beautiful, kind, boy. Who I'd used. I hated to admit it, but I had. I'd relied on him to talk to when I had no one else, even though I knew how much it would hurt him to hear me talking about Ginny.

I wished bitterly that I'd never gone to his dorm last night.

I finally looked back at him, pity in my eyes, and immediately noticed the change in his expression. 

"No. Oh God, no. I didn't tell you that. I'm sorry. It's just- I don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm sorry." His eyes fluttered down to the ground again, this time staying, and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Eddie," I whispered. He looked back up at me, and I reached out and took his hand.

"I'm so sorry, Eddie," I couldn't look him in the eyes. "I- I love you too. But as a friend." I could almost feel his heart break through his finger tips. "I'm sorry."

He ripped his hand out of my grasp, his words now coming in broken sobs, his voice cracking with the pain that shattered him from within. Friend.

"Don't say that. Don't. You know that's not what I meant." He snapped. I wasn't expecting his reaction, and I flinched. 

He was tired of it. Tired of helping me. Tired of me using his kindness and vulnerability. Tired of me pretending to be ignorant of his feelings, when there was no way I didn't know. Tired of feeling like the world was caving in every time I looked into his eyes. Fucking tired of everything. 

Tears began to roll down his pale cheeks, and it took all his will power to not let the sobs escape. 

It hurt.

"Eddie, I'm-" I couldn't speak. A lump rose in my throat and I teared up as I looked at his face and saw great big tears streaking across his cheeks.

It felt like years, standing there in the heavy fog that clouded not only the grounds now, but seemed to close around my heart and squeeze it tightly in its fist.

He was still fighting desperately against the sobs that threatened to rip from his throat as he stood infront of me, rain soaking him through.

"I want to love you, Eddie. Believe me, I do. But my heart is telling me something else." I hesitated. "I'm-I'm in love with Ginny."

For a moment he stood silently, rain dripping from the short curls that hung onto his forehead.

"I know," He whispered finally. "Hannah tried to tell me, but I didn't want to believe it. Last night, in the dorm- I thought you felt the same. I'm such an idiot." He shook his head.

I felt awful.

"You're not an idiot, Eddie. Last night I was mad at myself, because I felt like I was pushing everyone away.  And I wanted to make myself feel better. And I- I know I shouldn't have. But that's why I went into your dorm that night. It was selfish because I knew that it would mean something different to you than it did to me." I told truthfully. I didn't want to lie to him and hurt him more.

Tears built up in my own eyes to see his face all scrunched up in pain, tears falling like marbles down his perfect cheeks. 

The bile rose in my throat when I realized I'd broken my promise.

Here he was, his face scrunched up in more pain than I ever thought someone could feel. And I'd caused it. Me. I'd done exactly what I'd vowed never to do.

"Why." He choked out, in what was barely more than a whisper, his voice breaking as even more tears fell from his face.

I pulled him into me and hugged him. It was all I could think of doing. His face rested against my shoulder, and we stood there for a while as he let the tears out, shaking as he clung onto me, each sob louder and more broken than the last.

Each tear that fell broke off a piece of his heart and handed it to the pain, until he had nothing left to give.