Bulla Aurea Puerorum

Everything I Never Imagined

I looked down at the words sketched across the page in Lucy's handwriting, those simple 5 words.

You're only making things worse

It was a few days after Ginny and I's kiss and I was in a daze. For one, because of Ginny, but for another because of Eddie. He still hadn't written anything back but Lucy had sent me a letter on boxing day, letting me know that she'd seen Eddie and that he'd opened my letters while she was there. She was currently staying with his family until the return to Hogwarts, something his parents were thankful for as his mood had immediately improved.

At least he was eating and sleeping now, if not abnormally.

I hoped that he would find in Lucy what he couldn't in me, and tried to let the words that Lucy had written go. I know she wasn't doing it to be rude, and I was glad that she'd told me to stop writing. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt Eddie more than I already had.

It was late in the evening, and I just wanted to sleep. Everyone else had fallen into an exhausted slumber from the day of sledding. I let my head rest on the pillow and tried to relax by examining Ginny's face across from me. She was in her own bed, her hair around her face messy unlike her usual braids, light makeup still on. We'd all been much too tired to do simple things like wash our faces before bed.

The last few days had, quite honestly, felt like a fever dream.

Ginny and I were always together, her fingers woven through mine, fitting together perfectly. Any time I didn't spend with her, which wasn't very much, was torture. It consisted of a constant ache for her touch and her smell. I couldn't seem to wipe the smile off my face.

Every night we fell asleep curled together, my head tucked into the hollow of her neck where the locket used to sit. It was a bit awkward with my legs curled up against my body so that I could more easily press myself to her. I couldn't bare to face away from her, and the moments of uncomfortable aches were worth it just to feel her smooth skin against mine.

I couldn't remember when I was this happy. But there was a constant nag in my stomach everytime I felt completely overwhelmed by the love around me. I was constantly beating myself up for allowing myself to be happy while I had made one of my best friends miserable, to such an extent that he hurt himself.
The guilt was there always, and no matter how many times I told myself that I deserved to be happy, that voice was there telling me that "he did too."

I watched Ginny, trying to focus instead on the many nights in which I faked sleep just to count her breaths. Each one a reminder that this person, this wonderful person, chose me. Loves me.

As I watched her breath in and out I thought about these last few days with her.

Christmas, when her eyes were on mine the whole day, never once looking away from something so less then what she deserves.

Watching me check that the gold chain still hung safely around my neck, happily explaining that she'd given it me when her mother asked.

Flushing deeply when she accidentally kissed me infront of her family.

Laughing in relief when her mother's eyes filled with tears and pulled us both into a warm hug.

Telling her brothers to shove off when they exchanged the galleons they had bet on us being together.

Checking with me after to make sure that I was okay, and after I ensured her that I was, hugging me for so long that I wished she hadn't let go so soon.

The next nights and days following filled with so much giddiness that I could hardly do anything but admire her face.

The nights spent sleeplessly as we talked late into the night, nothing but the gauzey moonlight filtering in through the windows to cover us in a pale glow.

Eventually learning more about her than I did about myself, counting each freckle upon her face as she talked. Understanding the life she lived before me, the before and after.

The last moments of before being something I'd dreamed about forever, the first moments of after being everything I never imagined.

It felt like years that Ginny had been mine. I wondered if I was enough for her. Or if I was now, how long it would last.

The pale moonlight on her face, as I remembered the last few days, made me wonder if the fire in her could burn the hurt in me. The clouds floating infront of the night sky fading the light so that it moved like wind across her perfect cheeks.

It burned my eyes as I watched out the window, the full moon glowing dimly compared to the gratitude radiating out of me.

Unable to control myself, I climbed out of bed and slipped in beside Ginny.

Everything but her seemed to melt away as I felt her close to me. The thin light filtering down caressing my cheek and tickling my eyelashes as I let my eyes close. They resisted, unwilling to let me take away the beauty infront of them.

It was impossible to put into words how I felt at this moment. The last seconds of before felt like a weak smile in comparison to the overwhelming emotions that crashed over me.

Everything seemed to make sense at that moment, the reasons for why I was put here ringing in my ears as, in her sleep, Ginny wove her fingers through mine. It was a feeling that even the most beautiful of choruses could not put into words, my tongue fighting for the what it could not reach.

I closed my eyes and let the sheer beauty of it drown out all my other senses until the radiating feeling inside of me was all that was left;
each pound in my chest caused not by my own heart, but by hers.