youth ❀ karlnap

my name is karl

cw: religious-related gripes and trauma, minor panic attack

stay safe and thank you for reading <3

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Karl's hair grew back fast.

Day by day he passed himself in the mirror and watched it slowly creep over his shoulders. Now he didn't have the guts to cut it off again, especially since he was practically forced back into the closet.

His mother made him switch schools. He spent his entire summer excited for autumn to come around only to be told that he was never going back ever again. That news destroyed him, and he remembered sitting in his room for days with his door locked and his yearbook in his lap. All he could do was read Sapnap's note over and over again to remind himself that his best friend still existed. And on the first day of school, the thought of Sapnap going to their old school again with his favorite bandana tied around his head broke his heart. He would search all day and never find him, as well as the next day, and the next.

Sapnap was going to have to deal with never seeing Karl again with no explanation, and Karl was going to have to live with the fact that he got himself into this mess.

Of course he had to open his annoying mouth and tell his mom that he was a boy. Now she talked to him like he was a demon, like he wasn't even her child anymore. She told him constantly that he was brainwashed, and that Sapnap wanted him to feel like this. That he had an agenda he was trying to spread and Karl was falling for it because he was kind.

He wasn't sure what to believe anymore. His mother was getting even more rigid with their church visits, and not only was he required to attend every Sunday but also Wednesday nights where they had a program specifically for people under eighteen. She told him that he was going to attend for as long as he lived under her roof. He wasn't that mad, though. It could be worse.

Usually while he was there he would just get lost in his own head and tune out what the others were saying, enough that when he would come back to reality he would see a bunch of confused faces staring at him. They'd ask him if he was ok, and if he wanted to add anything to the discussion, to which he would shrug or shake his head.

He didn't hate religion, he just didn't feel like these other kids did. He watched them come in with lights glistening in their eyes, and they would talk about their faith as if it was the best thing to happen to them.

Karl couldn't say that he felt the same. His mom just used the Bible to invalidate his feelings, telling him that identifying with a different gender was a sin. Deep down he knew that if there was any sort of God out there, that he would be loved as he was. It wasn't like he just woke up one day and decided to feel like a boy, he had just felt it forever and he didn't even know it was possible for him to be one until Sapnap came along. Ever since then, in his heart, he was a boy. Even when he was misgendered constantly by his peers, family, and community, he knew what he was and what he wasn't.

Every day he walked into school and wished he could just be like the other kids there. They probably went home to their parents with smiles on their faces, and were welcomed with open arms because they did what they were supposed to and were happy about it. Karl always came home and shut the door behind him, isolating himself from his family.

He thought about Sapnap. God, he thought about Sapnap so much. He remembered his warm eyes that sparkled like melted amber, and the way he tied his bandana behind his head so the long ends swayed down almost to his shoulders. He recalled when they were much younger and they still could visit each other's houses. Sapnap's parents had not hesitated to call him Karl just as they called their son Sapnap. Sometimes he wished they were his parents instead.