The Lonely Position of Neutral

I'm Innocent!

"You're under arrest!" a police officer said, fixing the cuffs on my wrists.

"What?" I said. "I didn't do..."

"Yeah, sure, kid. Explain it to the judge."

"But... I'm serious this time."

"Come with me."

I struggled in the handcuffs. "You're in so much trouble, buddy. My dad is a lawyer, and he's..."

The officer doubled over, cackling to tears.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

"You know how many times a day I hear that?" the officer said as he guided me into the backseat.

"Ten? Fifteen?"

"Try again." He slammed the door shut hard.

"But it's Christmas, and I won't see a judge until Monday," I said, almost dropping my voice to a whimper.

"Shouldn't have stolen."

"Excuse the fuck out of me?"

"You stole something pretty pricy, and you're going to have to pay a big price."

I dropped my head, tracing back through the past few months. The cops aren't smart enough to know about that, I thought. "What did I steal?" I said.

"Lower your fucking voice."

"Gee, Mr., no need for cursing."

"Fuck...Fu... Fuck...Fuck you."

I rolled my eyes, folded my lips under my teeth, and slumped in the seat.

As we approached the police station, I saw Christmas lights flickering the way to the station's rear. The snow had begun to fall about the autumn ground, making spending the weekend in jail even more depressing. I could be out sledding or building a snowman with Hannah. I could be doing something anything other than being couped up in a jail cell, spreading the Gospel of criminality to like-minded comrades.

"Let's get this over with," I said as we entered the station.

"Hey, Ben!" Hannah said.

I swallowed hard. "Hannah, what are you doing here?" I didn't want Hannah to see me in jail, mostly for stealing her engagement ring.

"Relax," Hannah said. "That thing you stole was my heart." Hannah held her hand to her hear. "It was for charity. The highest bidder got to choose which friend got arrested. So the girls put in money, for the charity, to get you arrested since we're getting married."

"Charity." I swallowed harder. "Right. Charity. Well, I'm happy to help." I smiled. This was probably the best thing I've done for my community, I thought.