The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Endgame - Infinity War

There's no time to waste — we only have a few hours, and, like, two chapters to wrap this up. Hayden grabs us by the shoulders and basically forces us into a team huddle. 

"Okay, maggots, lissenup!" he yells in his best commanding voice, like a captain bellowing commands in the middle of a storm, in which I mean, he's making everything wet and unnecessary, since we are an inch away from his face. "We are in the last inning, and we are about to do a Hail Mary pass. We all have to work together, as a team, to dribble this thing to the goal. If we don't find ourselves a new batter, we can kiss the battlebot finals goodbye. Any thoughts?"

"yeah. i didn't get any of that," says Brayden, greasing his fake mustache — did I mention he has a fake mustache? — with some organic tree resin or some bullshit like that. "we just have to find a new dude. how hard can it be?" 

"You know someone?" I ask. 

"bitch, i don't even come here most of the time! this is the first time in years i come more than two days in a row. well, not the first time i come two days in a row, if you know what i—"

"Not a time for that," I interrupt, knowing full well what he means. "How about you, Hayden? Know anyone? You're like...ugh, royalty here." 

Set a reminder to clean my mouth with battery acid after I'm done here. And for the author to slap himself on the wrists for making me say it. 

"Well, yeah, brother. I know a whole lotta people," says Hayden. "But that's the problem. Everyone wanna get down with the H-train. I'm big, and cool, and I fill everyone's mouth with my signature super-secret cream filling. But that's the problem. If I ask someone, everyone's gonna have a piece of this delicious club we cooking, and ain't that defeating the purpose?" 

"too many hands in the butthole make the orgy weird," says Brayden, who should be put in horny jail as soon as possible. Seriously man, get a hose. "and what about you, hot stuff? got any buddies we can use?" 

"Bitch, you're my only buddies!" 

"awwwn, you consider me a buddy? cute." 

"You can get a room later," says Hayden. "In fact, we can all get a room later and make a circle spraying love into each other. For now, think! Anyone you've met in the past week can do! We believe in you, buddy!" 

Well, there's always Billiam. But like a sock lost on a dryer, he seems to appear when you least expect it, and when you least need him. I could ask Laila and/or Leeland to join us, but that would be like inviting the wolf into the hen-house. That's about the extent of the recurring characters I can think of. This really puts some pee in my diapers. 

Why is this so hard? All we need is someone who goes is enrolled in this school, is not affected by bad boys, is not popular, or driven by popularity, or doesn't want to do anything more than hanging out in a room quietly with other bros. 

"man, if only we had another bad boy we can trust," says Brayden. 

"Yeah. A new brother we can have. Someone who understands our pain. Someone who is quiet, and chill, and stays out of trouble." 

"If only there was someone like that," I say. 

Yeah, if only. 

Okay, let's not drag this more than we have to. You know what's gonna happen. His name is in the fucking blurb for fuck's sake. 

"Well, there is someone," I say. "But you're not gonna like it."

Their faces become blank like a canvas, and just about as full of possibilities — their inner monologue has started. It doesn't take long until Hayden's face begins to show a beautiful dawn of understanding, with some aggressive splotches of ectoplasm green of disgust at the thought of his unspoken rival being the choice.