The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Wrap-up

How fucking inconsiderate of Hayden to introduce a new plot point when I haven't even finished the last one! Or the one before that, for that matter. I still have the issues of the condom suit, my fight with Haiden, and now this. I went from having no plot to having like... three plots in one day. And it's still fucking Monday! How long is this season anyways?

It doesn't take long until the Uber pulls towards the school, now full to the brim with cars and buses of parents and students alike, dressed in the calming blue of the Timberwolves, or the disturbing red of the Trojans. Why the fuck do people care so much about sports to spend so much money on these circuses? There are a ton of kids who could use a better cafeteria menu, or special ed, or a damn psychologist, for fuck's sake. Again, no joke here, just me hating the world. If you like sports, fuck you, you animal hater. Yes, that money that they pay Tom Brady in one season? It can build like... a buncha shelters for homeless dogs. Why do you want the dogs to be homeless, dear reader? You bitch.

Sorry, sorry, I'm lashing out again under pressure. This is gonna be a catch-up chapter, so strap in, 'cuz we're doing a plot speedrun, any%.

"You and your filthy condom can get the hell out of my cab!" yells the driver, which, considering he's from NY, is as nice as one can get. "Gimme a 5 stars review, and go fuck yourself. Have a nice one."

And with that, he peels out, never to be seen again, leaving me with a condom, a bag of undies, and a wedding invite in the parking lot. Seems like the set-up for a bad joke, and I'm not gonna lie, a stiff drink would help.

The only stiff I can see is a bald dick running towards me with an exasperated face and shiny, bald head made out of baldness and sweat. God, it must feel satisfying just smacking that thing like a sack of soil.

"Mr. Gomez!" he yells, putting his hands on his hips like a raquiitic teapot, "I've been looking for you! The game is about to start and neither you nor Miss. Winslow was in daddy's sticky icky shack of fun! And what happened to our mascot? It's... dirty! And smells like pee. More than usual, really."

Now, I can be super chill and roll over and say sorry about everything and try to explain it all away in a nice, concise manner that would satisfy both parties while keeping this story moving forwards. Or, I can also make this into a dick-measuring contest and turn my stay in this libertarian nightmare into something somewhat pleasant.

Guess what I choose. I'll give you a second to comment for a chance to win a great prize!

I grab him by the back of his sweaty neck and pull him towards me, getting him close enough so that I can comfortably whisper in his ear. I can feel him shudder under my hand. Gross. "Okay, Captain Dipshit, this is how we're gonna play it out. I don't really like your steeze, and honestly, you're giving me small dick energy, which is really off-putting. So, here's the deal: you don't bother me, scream at me, see me, touch me, make any weird comments in my general vicinity, or even breathe the same air as you, and I won't blow the whistle on your little ganja business, k? And I assure you, the last thing you're gonna be worrying about is how to keep the lights on. People like you get to be someone's bitch before day one, and not the tasty, yes daddy type of bitch."

The next thing I feel is him holding his breath and swallowing hard before running away from me. I'll take it as a yes. Hopefully, it will make things a little more bearable around here.

Shit, he didn't take the suit. I'm the worst blackmailer ever. And yet, I'm not a dick. I'll take the suit to the locker room and let the jocks sort it out. Which leads me to the next plot point I have to address whether I like it or not: Haiden. I know his type. They don't forget, or forgive, the crime of being mildly annoying because they're manchildren who were told they were hot shit and emotionally stunted them into expressing everything through violence, because they were let to believe that his their dick pisses gold ad God chose him specially to be everyone's middle manager.