The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Sandwich Discussion

"you know," says Brayden, massaging the desk marked and carved by generations of bad boys before us, "i like this. this feels nice. just you, me, hayden, us together in a room, like a club. feels bitchin', ain't it? no problems, no nothing. just us bad boys, being alone with our feelings, an' shit."

"Sure," I say, thumbing the several penises and swastikas someone carved on my desk, which are the only two things you're aught to find in any classroom, no matter where in the world you are. "Peace and quiet. Loving it. Only, we are not in a club room, but in detention." 

To make my point clear, I pan out my narration to include the ever-balding teacher trying his best to finish the same sudoku board he was trying to solve yesterday, and the sulking kid with a million scarves, hat, and trenchcoat with his nose buried in a Garcia Marquez book by the corner. Not to mention the two mobster looking-walrus fucks sitting behind us taking two seats each. 

"what's detention but mandatory chillaxing time?" says Brayden, leaning back and taking a long draft from his Juul. "gotta take it easy, bro." 

"Please, don't do that," says the teacher. "We have a no-vaping policy. Also, who are you two in the back?" 

Jungkook and Harry look at each other, possibly playing ping-pong with the only brain cell they share between them. 

"We're students, y'see?" says Jungkook. 

"Yeah, we get classes with the boss — I mean, with bro," says Harry. "Like, you know, math. Science. Books."

The teacher looks at them from top to bottom, and by God does he have lots to see. "I only have four people in detention today according to my list. Could you tell me your names?"

Jungkook takes his dark glasses to reveal a pair of smaller, Morpheus-style glasses underneath. "Yeah, my name's Noneofya, and this is my brother, Biznaz." 

"Our last name is Gofúckyerself. Stress in the ú cuz we fancy as fuck, boi," says Harry. All punctuated by a three-way high five between the pair and Brayden. 

The professor punts his pen against the sudoku sheet, accidentally scratching a one on the lower left quadrant, which, coincidentally, is the only correct number in that thing. "Gentleman, this behavior is completely unacceptable!"

"Whatchagonna do, put us in detention?" says Jungkook.

"Well...yes! Yes, I will."

"Then we belong here," says Harry. 

"Yes, you do," says the teacher, but not before picking the pen and erasing the one. Shame. "Now, is Noneofya written with a y, or with a j?"

"see? all smooth, like a pb sandwich," says Brayden. "yo, hayden, could you-" 

Even before he could finish, a plate flies from Hayden's desk on my right to Brayden's desk on my left. There's pb and marshmallow fluff on the sandwich. No crust.

"Got your back, Jack," says Hayden. When did he do it, or where he summoned the ingredients from, is a mystery. 

"sweet! pb and mayo, my favorite!" 

Okay, I can't be next to this animal. I'm 100% sure this guy is a psychopath. As a rule of life, never trust someone who likes mayo unironically, people who use Yahoo email, or someone who doesn't like dogs. Those are the first ones to go apeshit when the first zombie is confirmed at their local Costco. 

"Could you excuse me for a minute? I just gotta...yeah." 

I stand up, changing seats to be next to Hayden, instead of being in between the world's most disgusting sandwich.