The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Office And The Trap

Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,

Over many a quaint and curious hallways of forgotten LaCroix-

While I nodded, nearly yapping, suddenly there came a tapping,

As of some one gently rapping, rapping at the hallway floor.

"'Tis some kid," Leila-Sue muttered, "tapping just further beyond-

Only this and nothing more."

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak first week of school;

And the bell from the cafeteria woke the students from the room.

Eagerly I wished the morrow;-vainly I had sought to borrow

From my pocket a source of comfort-comfort from this dark abode-

For the flashlight of my phone, and the bullshit from this girl-

Nameless here for evermore. Don't you come at me with that bull.

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of her mass-produced shirt

Thrilled me-filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before;

So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating

"'Tis some mother fucking plot entreating just before innit?-

Let's just move on and get this over with by lunch, I heard it was Sloppy Joe day;-

This it is and nothing more."

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,

"Hey," she said, "buddy or gal, truly your forgiveness I implore;

But the fact is I'm a friend, and so gently you came tapping,

And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at the hallway floor,

That I scarce was sure I heard you"-zo we open this here door;-

Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,

Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before, like maybe not dealing with this bullshit more;

But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,

And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Um, hello?"

This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Hello?"-

Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning,

Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before.

"Gimme that," she says, "I'll take that lantern. Who even uses flip phones in this age of space and iPads?";

Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore-

They are easy to charge, and with no frills, I always get reception, even in this shit;-

"I don't get charged a hundred bucks to see pictures of boobs!"

Lighting there, she flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter,

In there stepped a stately middle schooler like the saintly days of yore;

Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he;

But, with mien of lord or lady, blood spewing from his face hole-