The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Wacky Races Rip-off

I'm the first to admit that we are not the most inconspicuous bunch of bananas out there, but I'm not a little bit worried that Aiden is gonna notice us tailing him all day, because he is a blue-haired asshole with the I.Q of a gnat drowning in a mug of coffee. The cup is empty, is just that it doesn't know it and drowns anyway, because he's dumb. And ugly. And he smells like butts. 

"I don't know how effective this is going to be, brother," says Hayden, squatting next to me behind a bush in front of the 'Creedence Clearwater R.V Park" that Aiden calls a home. "I mean, I did say he was going down, but I thought it means we were going to talk to him and politely ask him to cut the shit out, not to stalk him to blackmail him." 

The R.V park is the worst that Hill Valley Mountain Woods had to offer, and also the cheapest, since, for some reason, real estate here is crazy. Apparently, the founder of this fine city, one Athanasius Finch, once read in a magazine that property values gain extra value if they are in or adjacent to mountains, valleys, hills, or woods. As such, he tried to game the system by creating a town with astronomical property values, and if you're somehow a peasant without a million dollars to spare, you were shit out of luck. That might explain the statistically impossible number of millionaires in the school. 

Nonetheless, this is where that douchebird goes to nest, which is why we are stalking him. As for why we are stalking him in the first place...

"We are not going to blackmail him," I say, looking at a particularly nice rock on the ground that kind of looks like Maya Rudolph. "That would be a crime, and we are not criminals. We are going to get evidence of his bad boy antics and report it to the school. If anything, we are whistle-blowers." 

"no, that makes ya a snitch," says Brayden, standing next to us. While he is not tall enough to blow our cover, Jungkook and Harry are more than enough to blow our cover if it comes to that. Again, not particularly afraid of that, since Aiden has two neurons trying to play Solitaire as a two-player game. "and you know what snitches get." 

"Stitches," says Harry with a snicker.

Brayden takes off his designer glasses while applying a dollop of sour cream on his nose, all the while looking only mildly annoyed. "no, they get a cap in their ass. ain't no snitch i've seen be alive long enough to get stitches." 

"Sure, that's fine," I say, grabbing Maya the rock and tossing it into the air and catching it, sexily. "But can you please squat with us?  I mean, there is obvious, and there is obvious, and you're kinda being both." 

"hell naw, boyo. these are yeezys. i ain't gonna crinkle these bad boys by squatting into the seedy part of town. in fact, jungkook?" 

"On it, boss," he says, tossing himself in front of Brayden, who proceeds to stand on top of him like a fleshy, slightly smelly rug. 

Great, he's taller now. 

As for Okayden, he's sitting on a lawn chair with a frilly pink umbrella while reading a book, covered in head to toe in a trenchcoat that makes me feel he might just be three chunky raccoons trying to pass as a goth. Of course, he's reading a book, not caring about anything. 

"Still," says Hayden, scratching his clean chin, "can't help but feel we are blowing this out of proportion." 

"heh, blowing." 

"Warfare is not about thinking about blowing shit out of proportions, Hayden," I say, making sure to use his name as a way to show how totally super cereal I am. "It's about crushing your opponents, destroying their forces and their will to fight back. Then, and only then, will we win against him. Art of War, baby." 

That seems to be more than enough for him to risk it and grab me by the shoulders, tacks and all. They say love hurts, but you know what hurts the most? PDA. "Brother, it was just a strike in a club that will be dissolved in a year. We are talking about potentially ruining a man's future, just because he disrespected some apples and a pair of shoes."