The Bad Boys' Soft Boys' Lonely Hearts Club - The Full Package

The Murder/Funeral/Wedding Trifecta ~ Part III

If you guessed that what lies beyond Brayden's tiny white hole is a magical forest full of sprites and magic and shit, well, congratulations on being fucking wrong. You fool, you absolute buffoon, small-dick energy person.

What lies beyond the white void that is supposed to be a colon in space-time continuum is, to the surprise of anybody but you, hypothetical reader, is the library, plain and simple, with all the weird, moth-eaten books it has carried since 1987, and the same possibly-but-definitely-asbestos-ridden ceiling, and odd patriotic and slightly racist propaganda posters on the wall. For all intents and purposes, it is the Hill Valley Mountain Woods High library that we all know and love from that season one chapter.

Well, save from the hole that something very big and very angry made on the far wall of the library, like that time your crazy ex-boyfriend Kyle punched the wall because you wouldn't say his experimental Souncloud Clowncore mixtape was "bussin, no cap." We've all had a Kyle in our life.

What lies beyond that hole is, indeed, a magical forest with sprites and magic and shit. You're still very wrong, in a technical sense.

There, on the floor in front of us, is all the shit Brayden yeeted into the abyss, including my wallet. Shame, I was kinda looking forward to going to the DMV. Nothing bad ever happens to bad boys in the DMV. Nothing good ever happens either, but I'm willing to take the chance.

"shit, somebody threw boogers at my credit card!" yells Brayden as he picks up his shit from the floor. "i suppose there goes my idea of a clean waste disposal system."

"Yeah, sad nobody's gonna know the glory of your small white hole," I say as I pick up my spitted-on wallet from the floor. Jesus, even his spit gives me allergies.

"not if they subscribe to my onlyfans," whispers Brayden.

"What?" asks Hayden.

"What?" I ask.

"What?" asks a third, hitherto unknown voice. A female voice. A very, very generic female voice, as if one of those SkyMall magazines come to life as if trying to sell you an extra big wine glass for $29.99. Oddly enough, I feel I've seen her before, like, on a billboard for Abercrombie or some shit like that. Maybe Balenciaga. Can't put my finger on where, tho.

It isn't until Brayden speaks that I'm given a hint of her identity.

"mommy!" yells Brayden as he runs towards the owner of the voice, a woman standing at the edge of the wall hole. It is, indeed, a woman, with hair, a nose, and even lips. Beautiful, yes, but entirely forgettable, as if it was made by an artificial intelligence tasked with creating a woman made entirely out of photos of midwestern teens from 2010's facebook photos. Generic in every way. That doesn't stop Brayden from humping her leg.

And...I'm basically drawing a blank again. Honestly, that's just peak Brayden.

Hayden, on the other hand, jumps in front of me and assumes a combat position. Kinda like squatting and raising his arms to show me how big a fish he caught the other day, but with his fists. "You! What the hell did you do with Okayden now, you wench?"

"Babe, you know this wood plank?" I ask.

The girl covers her mouth with the back of her hand while gently giggling. "Wench? Fools, you are in front of the queen of darkness herself! Bow and pray for mercy, and I-"

"Might kill you fast and painless, yada, yada, yada," I say. "Even your banter is generic. Who is this B grade bitch with a C grade dialogue?"

Brayden goes in all fours in front of her and hisses at us like the nice, bottom kitten every Discord moderator wishes they have. "you are in front of mommy, you greaser! pay some resp-"