I woke up naked and in Raheems strong embrace as memories of last night and this morning flood my memories. I smiled thinking about how he made me feel. "Go back to sleep weirdo." I heard him groggily say from beside me. "Shut up." I laughed and playfully punched him.
"I gotta leave soon." "Where you going?" He yawned. Grandma Lisa asked me to go to some youth group at her church." I say, getting up heading to the bathroom. I get an extra toothbrush from under the sink and brush my teeth. As I'm stepping in the shower Raheem comes in the bathroom and step in after me. "Get out!" I snap trying to cover my body.
"Nothing I ain't already seen before." He smirks. I roll my eyes and start to wash my body. "Stop before you start something." I say as Raheem kisses the back of my neck. "Maybe I want to." He says bending me over. Before I knew it we were at it again.
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"Grandma where are you?" I yell walking in her house. "In the kitchen!" She yells. As I walk in the kitchen I see my egg donor sitting at the table drinking tea. "I know them ain't love bits!" My grandma snaps examining my neck. "Shit!" I curse under my breath forgetting Raheem left them there.
"I called you here to talk out ya problems with ya momma and you ain't leaving until y'all talk, now sit." "I'm not sitting down because there's nothing to talk about, she beat me like I was a bi- I mean chick on the streets, she lucky my grandparents didn't put her in jail." I snap. I love my grandma with all my heart but she's gotta be outta her mind if she think I'm about to talk to her.
"Don't make me get my wooden spoon." She threatens. I roll my eyes and walk over to the table and sit across from my egg donor. "I'll be in the living room if y'all need me." We sat there looking at each other for at least two minutes until my grandma screamed "TALK" from the living room.
"Mhm mhm." My mother cleared her throat. "I'm gonna tell you a little story about how I met your father." I sat back and crossed my arms. "When I first met your father I was sixteen and pregnant and on drugs. He used to be my dealer. So one day I go to him and ask for the usual, he looked at my stomach and said "Nah I'm out." So as I'm walking away I see him sell to someone so I'm like "come on I just saw you sell to him." He pushed past me and says "go home kid you pregnant and I ain't selling you shit!" I walk in front of him and say "dat ain't never stop you before" he goes "yeah because I ain't know, your showing now." I roll my eyes and turn to leave but he stops me and says "look I know you and the baby must be hungry, I'm bout to go get something to eat, come with me." I was about to say no but my stomach growled so loud I had no choice but to say yes.
We get to the local diner and he tells me I could order absolutely anything I want." She smiled and wiped her tears. "So he asked me how I ended up on the streets and I changed the subject. He ended up telling me about himself and I ended up feeling comfortable so I told him that I got raped by one of my dads friends; when I told my dad he didn't believe me so I ran away and started doing drugs." "Did grandma believe you?" "Of course! She put him in jail but it was still too much for me to deal with. She always begged me to come home but I never did.
Your daddy helped me get off drugs and I even started caring about the baby. We ended up dating and he told me he'll help me with the baby." "How old was daddy?" "Eighteen." "So what happened to the baby?" "He died." She sobbed. "He was two years old, his name was Keshawn. He was at mommas house while I was at the hospital with your dad, we found out I was pregnant with you." She cried harder.
"As we were leaving we saw them rushing Keshawn in on a gurney, blood everywhere; momma rushing behind him bawling her eyes out, blood all over her." Before I could ask what happened to him she continued. "There was a drive-by, one of the stray bullets hit him. They said they did everything they could do but he died in surgery. My sweet sweet baby." She continued to cry.
"I um ch-cheated on your dad, I was drunk and it was the anniversary for Keshawns death. It was an accident, I never meant to hurt him. I loved him, hell I still do. I've been madly in love with that man since I was sixteen. That's the real reason I gave you to your grandparents." She sighed. "You look just like him, everytime I see you I see him and I remember all the pain I caused him... the look in his eyes when I told him I cheated."
"So you still wanna be with him?" She looked me dead in my eyes. "With everything in me." Listening to my moms story broke my heart, but it broke my heart even more that she took her years of hurt out on me. "I apologized so many times but he told me he didn't care, I told him I still loved him he said it was my problem. Throughout his incarceration I wrote him letters, he never wrote me back. I would go to visit him and when he saw it was me, he would tell the guards he didn't know me... so I just stopped going."
Sitting here listening to my mom talk, I'm thinking about all the times my mom and I visited my dad. She would tell him she loves him and not once did he say it back, he wouldn't even look at her. "Other than your grandma, your dad is the only one that genuinely loved me unconditionally and I fucked that up. When I attacked you I snapped, something in my brain was telling me I was looking at your dad and not you. Maybe it was all the drugs and liquor I consumed before I got there. I felt like I was taking my anger out on him for not loving me back." She shook her head.
"I was so embarrassed for attacking you I said all that shit to try and save face. The drugs and alcohol and all that stuff is my way of coping with my problems and I'm so so sorry baby mommy truly means it. Please forgive me." She begged. "I forgive you but it's gonna take some time for me to trust you and feel comfortable to be alone with you." She got up and hugged me, I hugged her back.
We went into the living room with my grandma where we cuddled and watched tv together. After about thirty minutes I feel asleep coddled in my mothers embrace. For the first time in I don't know how long I feel genuinely loved by my mother.
