The 16 Step Plan To Become Sirius Lupin

Exploding Zonkos

The secret Hogsmeade tunnel
circa 1976

"C'mon, ya big baby!"

"He's not a baby, he's a wolf."

"Fuck you."

"Swearwolf! OW, MOONY! Uncalled for!" Sirius rubbed his leg and scowled.

"Call me Swearwolf, expect to be kicked. It's the day before the full moon, you know I'm irritable. I didn't even want to come along for this."

"Well, suck it up. We're almost there anyway."

"I can't believe I let you drag me with you. This is fucking stupid."

"Regulus, you know you wanted to spend time with me. Deep down you love me, somewhere in that cold, dead heart of yours."

"Just because you're my brother doesn't mean I love you."

"Hm. Who do you love then? Evans? James?"

"Shut up."

"HOLD ON." James stopped walking and whipped around to face Regulus. "YOU FANCY LILY?"

"No."

James scoffed and crossed his arms. "Yeah right. I guess that means you fancy me, Reggie. Oh, I swoon in the presence of my true love!" James swooned into Peter's arms. Regulus rolled his eyes and pushed past them to keep walking down the chilly tunnel as they snickered.

About ten minutes later, Remus joined Regulus at the front of the group, far ahead the rest of them. After a few minutes of silent walking, Remus elbowed Regulus.

"So, you're joining the unrequited love squad?"

Regulus frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, come on. I know you fancy James."

Regulus looked forward at the ground again. "Doesn't matter, does it? He's as straight as a ruler and irrevocably in love with Lily." Then he looked back to Remus. "Who are you in unrequited love with?"

Remus sighed and tugged on one of his curls. "Sirius." Regulus snorted. "What? What's so funny about that?"

"You actually, truly think that's unrequited? Damn, you might be more oblivious than James."

Remus shook his head and faced forward again. "Whatever."

~~✩☽~~

"Alright, lads, here we are!" James jumped up on top of the check out counter of Zonkos. "Grab everything you can!"

Sirius laughed and shouted, "Then show it to James so he can leave the right amount of money in the register!"

James blushed and hopped down from the counter, heading straight for the dung bomb section. Sirius went towards the exploding candy section while Peter looked through the trick quills that made you write different things than you meant to. Remus was observing the sticking mistletoe and Regulus sat on top of the counter, swinging his feet back and forth. Regulus wasn't into mischief as much as his brother was. He had only come along because Sirius practically threw a fit and, well, James would be there.

Regulus knew his little crush would amount to nothing, but he couldn't just pretend it wasn't there. Maybe it wasn't even just a crush anymore. He was never good with emotions and always ended up talking to his favorite person in the whole world (Michelle Williams, fifth year Gryffindor, Irish, curly mass of brown hair that could rival James' in messiness, quite the badass) when he found that it was becoming too much to hold in.

Regulus realized quickly that coming on the trip was a mistake. He kept catching himself staring at James and kept shaking his head, as if he could shake away the crush. One of the times he tore his eyes away from James, he was met with amber eyes staring at something behind him.

"Trying to shake away the crush? Trust me, mate, doesn't work." Remus smiled and Regulus turned around to see who he was staring at. Of course, it was Sirius, playing with the exploding candy. He put two red ones and a yellow one in a cup together and shook it. Regulus laughed and turned back to Remus.

"I can't believe you still th-" Regulus froze. "Wait. Did he just put two red ones and a yellow one in a cup and shake it?!"

"Yeah, why?" Remus frowned, sending something was wrong.

Regulus jumped from the counter and down to the ground.

"EVERYONE, HIT THE DECK!"

Regulus rarely shouted, so everyone listened and dove under something, just before a huge explosion shook the shop.

"FUCKING HELL, REGGIE, WHAT WAS THAT?!" James slowly moved from under the desk and straightened his glasses. "I CANT HEAR SHIT. AM I YELLING? MY EARS ARE RINGING."

"THAT WAS MY IDIOT BROTHER." Regulus rubbed his ear as he took in the damage. Half of the shop was blackened. "MERLIN, SIRIUS, TWO RED ONES AND A YELLOW ONE? I HAD HOPED YOU WERE AT LEAST A LITTLE BIT INTELLIGENT."

"NOPE," Sirius slapped Regulus' shoulder. "ALL THE INTELLIGENCE GOES TO YOU, REGGIE."

"DONT CALL ME REGGIE."

"WHY DOES JAMES GET TO BUT I CANT?"

"NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, TWAT."

"SHORT."

"BITCH, IM TALLER THAN YOU."

"I THINK NOT! JAMES MEASURE US-"